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A 95-Year-old woman goes to the Doctor…

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A 95-Year-old woman goes to the Doctor…

She tells him that she’s lived a long life and that she wants to end it now on her own terms. The Doc sees her and can tell that she’s in pain and not wanting others to hear him, he decides to whisper some advice to her on how to do it.

A few hours later the same old lady is rushed to the ER with a bullet wound on her left knee. When she saw the doctor in the hallway as she was being rushed, she yelled, “You told me to shoot myself under my left breast!”

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My wife won’t like it

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My wife won’t like it

While riding my Harley, I swerved to avoid hitting a deer, lost control and landed in a ditch, severely banging my head. Dazed and confused I crawled out of the ditch to the edge of the road when a shiny new convertible pulled up with a very beautiful woman who asked, “Are you okay?”

As I looked up, I noticed she was wearing a low cut blouse with cleavage to die for… “I’m okay I think,” I replied as I pulled myself up to the side of the car to get a closer look.

She said, “Get in and I’ll take you home so I can clean and bandage that nasty scrape on your head.”

“That’s nice of you,” I answered, “but I don’t think my wife will like me doing that!”

“Oh, come now, I’m a nurse,” she insisted. “I need to see if you have any more scrapes and then treat them properly.”

Well, she was really pretty and very persuasive. Being sort of shaken and weak, I agreed, but repeated, “I’m sure my wife won’t like this.”

We arrived at her place which was just a few miles away and, after a couple of cold beers and the bandaging, I thanked her and said, “I feel a lot better, but I know my wife is going to be really upset so I’d better go now.”

“Don’t be silly!” she said with a smile, while unbuttoning her blouse exposing the most beautiful set of boobs I’ve ever seen. “Stay for a while. She won’t know anything. By the way, where is she?”

“Still in the ditch with my Harley, I guess.”

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The difference between men and women

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The difference between men and women

A man applies for a job with the FBI.

The interviewer says: “Everything looks good, we just have one test to prove that you’ll take on any task we ask of you.”

He hands the man a semi-automatic handgun.

“Through that door, your wife is tied to a chair. I need you to go in there and shoot her in the back of the head.”

Reluctantly, the man goes in and closes the door. A few moments later, he comes back.

“I’m sorry, I couldn’t do it.” he says and they let him and his wife leave.

A woman applies for the same job and is told the same thing. Her husband is tied to a chair in the next room.

She gets up and walks through the door.

The interviewer hears several gunshots and the some heavy grunting from the woman. She comes out of the room, covered in blood.

“This gun was full of blanks, so I had to beat him to death with it!”

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3 vampire brothers want to see who is the strongest

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3 vampire brothers want to see who is the strongest

The first brother flies off at 100mph and comes back 10 minutes later. His mouth was covered in blood. “You see the mansion over there?” Said the first brother, “I sucked everybody in there dry.”

The second vampire said “That’s nothing” and flew off at 150mph and came back 5 minutes later with his nose and mouth covered in blood. “You see the village over there?” Said the second vampire brother, “I sucked everybody’s blood dry!”

The third vampire said “That’s nothing!” And flew off at 200mph and came back 10 seconds later, his whole face and shirt DRENCHED in blood. “Woah, what happened?” Said the first brother. “Well, you see that tree over there?” Said the third vampire. “Yeah?” Replied the other brothers, “I didn’t.”

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