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A gem I found posted at my local beer distributor:

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A gem I found posted at my local beer distributor:

A man came home from work and settled down in his favorite chair in front of the TV and said to his wife “quick bring me a beer before it starts!” She looks a little puzzled but brought him a beer When he finished it he said “Quick, bring me another beer it’s gonna start!”

This time she looked a little angry, but brought him a beer. When it was gone he said “Quick! Get me another beer before it starts!” “That’s it!” She blows her top “You bastard! You waltz in here, flop your fat ass down, don’t even say hello to me and then expect me to run around like your slave getting you beer after beer!? Don’t you realize I cook and clean and wash and iron all day long!?”

The husband sighed and said “oh shit, it’s started”

Jokes

A Jamaican fireman…

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A Jamaican fireman…

…came home from work one day and said to his wife: “Y’know sumpin, we have a wonderful new system at de fire station. Bell 1 rings – we put on our jackets. Bell 2 rings – we slide down de pole. Bell 3 rings – we jump on de ingine and we’s ready to go. From now on, when I says ‘Bell one’ I want you to strip naked. When I says Bell two’ you jump on de bed. When I says ‘Bell tree’ we’s gonna mek love all tru de night.”

The next night he came home and shouted ‘Bell One’ and she stripped naked. ‘Bell Two’ and she jumped on the bed. ‘Bell Tree’ and they started to make love.

After a few minutes the wife yelled out “Bell Four”.

“What de hell is ‘Bell Four’?” he asked.

She replied : “Roll out more hose, mon, you aint nowhere near de fire.”

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Stupid People Joke: Some Annoying Early Morning Joggers

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After driving for about six hours,…

a trucker decides to pull over and sleep for a little while.

As soon as he falls asleep,…

He is awoken by some knocks on the door of the cab.

“Can you tell me the time, please?” asks a jogger.

“Yeah, it’s 4:30,” answers the trucker.

He falls asleep again,…

But he is awoken again by another jogger who wants to know the time.

“It’s 4:40!” yells the trucker.

Deciding to really try to sleep a little,…

He writes on a piece of paper: I DON’T KNOW THE TIME.

He sticks the paper in his windshield.

But he is awoken again.

* * * * * * * * *

“It’s 5:25!” another jogger yells at him.

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Funny Joke: An Atheist, The Lord & Wild Bear In The Jungle

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A photographer, who was also a confirmed atheist,..

Decided to go into the woods to capture photos of the fall foliage.

It was a beautiful day: fall colors, birds chirping, a babbling brook,…

And a gentle breeze rustling the leaves.

While snapping shots, the photographer heard a noise behind him,…

And whirled around to see a huge bear coming through the bushes.

He dropped his camera and ran. And kept running and running…

And looking behind him, he noticed the bear was gaining on him!

He was so scared that tears came to his eyes.

He ran faster, but the bear was closing in on him.

He ran faster yet and tripped over a root.

Rolling over onto his back, the man saw the bear rise to his full height and raise a huge paw…

And the atheist cried out, “Oh, God, no!”

And everything stopped.

The birds stopped chirping. The brook stopped babbling. The gentle breeze stopped.

And the bear froze with his paw in the air.

And the man heard a booming voice say,…

“Young man. For years you’ve doubted my very existence,..

But now that your life is in peril you call my name to help you. Why should I do so?”

And the man thought for a moment, and said,..

“Yes, you are right. If you are God, then it would be hypocritical of me to become a Christian at this point in my life.

But, do you think that you could at least make the bear a Christian for today?”

And the booming voice was quiet for a moment and then said, “Done.”

And everything started again.

The birds chirping, brook babbling, and gentle breeze rustling the leaves.

And the bear slowly lowered his paw.

Then the bear put his paws together, and bowed his massive head and said:,..

* * * * * * * * * * *

“Dear Lord, please bless this food we are about to eat.”

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