Connect with us

Jokes

A husband and wife were out playing golf.

Published

on

A husband and wife were out playing golf.

They tee off and one drive goes to the right and one drive goes to the left .

The Wife finds her ball in a patch of buttercups .She grabs a club and takes a mighty swing at the ball .She hits a beautiful second shot ,but in the process she hacks the hell out of the buttercups .

Suddenly a woman appears out of nowhere .She blocks her path to her bag and looks at her and says.” I’m Mother Nature,and I don’t like the way you treated my buttercups .From now on,you won’t be able to stand the taste of butter.Each time you eat butter you will become physically ill to the point of total nausea”. The mystery woman then disappears as quickly as she appeared .

Shaken the wife calls out to her husband “ Hey,where’s your ball?”. “It’s over here in the pussy willows”.

The wife screams back. “ DON’T HIT THE BALL !!! DON’T HIT THE BALL!!!”.

Jokes

Best Friends Funny Bad Joke: It Could Have Been Worse

Published

on

Three friends had a very good friend named Joe and he was, naturally, an eternal optimist.

At every bad situation he would always say

“It could have been worse.”

His friends hated that quality about him,

So they came up with a story so horrible that not even Joe could come up with a bright side.

So the next day, only two of his friends showed up for a golf date.

Joe asked, “Where’s Gary?”

And one of his friends said,

“Didn’t you hear? Yesterday, Gary found his wife in bed with another man, shot them both, and then turned the gun on himself.”

Joe says, “Well it could have been worse.”

Both his friends said,

“How in hell could it be worse? Your best friend just killed himself!”

Joe says,

* * * * * * * * * * * * *

“If it had happened two days ago, I’d be dead now!”

Continue Reading

Jokes

Funny Comedy Joke Of The Day: Polish Divorce V/S Lawyer

Published

on

A Polish man moved to the USA and married an American girl.

Although his English was far from perfect,…

They got along very well until one day he rushed into a lawyer’s office and asked him if he could arrange a divorce for him.

The lawyer said that getting a divorce would depend on the circumstances,…

And asked him the following questions:

L: Have you any grounds?

P: Yes, an acre and half and nice little home.

L: No, I mean what is the foundation of this case?

P: It made of concrete.

L: I don’t think you understand. Does either of you have a real grudge?

P: No, we have carport, and not need one.

L: I mean. What are your relations like?

P: All my relations still in Poland.

L: Is there any infidelity in your marriage?

P: We have hi-fidelity stereo and good DVD player.

L: Does your wife beat you up?

P: No, I always up before her.

L: Is your wife a nagger?

P: No, she white.

L: Why do you want this divorce?

P: She going to kill me.

L: What makes you think that?

P: I got proof.

L: What kind of proof?

* * * * * * * * * * * *

P: She going to poison me.

She buy a bottle at drugstore and put on shelf in bathroom.

I can read, and it say: “Polish Remover”.

Continue Reading

Jokes

This is the story of Nate the Snake and John.

Published

on

This is the story of Nate the Snake and John.

There once was a man named John. John has three kids named Carl, Sally, and Paul. John also has a wife named Suzan. Unfortunately, Suzan, Carl, Sally, and Paul don’t like John very much. John also has no friends. John is a very lonely man. He does have this one thing going for him though, he is SUPER rich. John is absolutely loaded. He has so much money he doesn’t have to work and is set for life. So since John is loaded he decides one day he is going on vacation to the Sahara Desert. He buys a ticket and flies out to the desert where he rents a dune buggy and a bottle of water. So, John goes out on his top of the line dune buggy and starts having the time of his life going up and down the sand dunes. He’s going so fast up and down the dunes but then, it goes wrong. He accidentally veers off course and tips his buggy. He starts rolling down the hill at super high speeds. When John gets to the bottom of the sand dune he gets thrown from his now upside down dune buggy. When he gathers his bearings and tries to stand back up. He realizes he now has a concussion and he can’t see very well. He also has hurt arms and legs. But, he’s not an idiot right? So he gets up besides the pain and he starts walking. He doesn’t make it very far however and he eventually falls to his hands and knees and he starts crawling just trying to get any where but there. He eventually collapses to his stomach and just can’t carry himself anymore. So he starts dragging himself on his stomach. The next time he looks up he sees this big white pillar with a white lever on it. On the lever he sees a big green snake. The snake starts to speak and this is what he says…

Snake: Hi I’m Nate the snake. I’m here to help you John

John: Oh great now I’m hallucinating. What’s new?

S: No your not hallucinating. I’m real and I’m gonna help you. I’ll give you three wishes

J: Yeah yeah sure, what’s the catch?

S: There are two rules. The first rule is you can’t wish for a materialistic item. It can’t be something you can physically hold. The second rule is that if you want the wishes you have to promise to come back here sometime before you die and flip this big lever. The lever will end all of humanity. Do you want the wishes?

J(still thinking it’s a hallucination): Sure why not. My first wish is to not be thirsty anymore.

S: Ok John. I will do you one better. You don’t have to drink water anymore as long as you eat your fruits and vegetables you’ll get all the water you need just from that.

J: Wow that’s great! I don’t feel thirsty any more! My second wish is to not be injured anymore.

S: I’ll do you one better. I’ll heal you up so well that you will love for as twice as long as you would have before.

John stands up and stretches his arms and legs a little bit

J: Wow this is incredible! I feel fantastic! Ok my last wish is to not be lost because I have no idea where I am

S: Ok I’ll do you one better. You will know never be lost ever again no matter where you are

J: Wow this is the most amazing thing I’ve ever see! Thanks Nate the snake.

John turns to leave with newfound hope and energy when Nate the snake stops him. John turns back around and asks Nate the snake what’s wrong.

S: Man I’m so lonely out here I don’t have any friends. Will you be my friend?

John quickly agrees to be his friend since he saved his life. Then they exchange numbers and John leaves on his merry way.

A few years later John gets a call from Nate the snake.

S: John I need a favor. My son Sam the Snake is with me and I can’t be a good father to him while he’s with me. I’m stuck out here and I was wondering if you would use your huge stacks of money to take him on a vacation around the world?

J: Sure I’ll take Sam the snake on an adventure around the world. You are my only friend after all.

S: Thanks man I appreciate that.

So John flies back out the Sahara Desert, picks up Nate the snakes son, Sam the snake, and leaves again. They go all around the world to places like Beijing, Tokyo, Los Vegas and other new and amazing places. John and Nate the snakes son, Sam the snake are having so much fun together when they get an unexpected call. John answers the phone and it’s Nate the snake again!

S: Hey John I need you here. I’ve got this weird snake disease that’s gonna kill me, and I want you here with me when I die.

John quickly tells him he’ll be there and rushes towards the nearest airport with Nate the snakes son Sam the snake. They buy a ticket to the desert and fly out. When they get there John buys the fastest dune buggy he can and starts flying out over the sand dunes again. In his rush however, John accidentally speeds up too much and is about to lose control of his dune buggy for the second time. This time however he knows not to turn the wheel too fast. Then John sees the pillar in the distance. John obviously doesn’t want to hit the lever or he’ll end humanity. So what he decides to do is slowly turn the wheel to avoid the lever. Then, however, John sees something he didn’t see before. Nate the snake has moved himself from the big lever, to a tree growing next to it. John realizes that he has to make a choice. Does he end humanity? Or does he kill his best friend Nate the snake? John has to decide, humanity or his friend? He doesn’t know what to do, and Nate the snakes son, Sam the snake is crying in the seat next to him because he knows what’s happening too. Then John comes to a realization. He made his choice and he says to himself:

Better Nate Than Lever!

Continue Reading

Trending