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A local man wins the lottery.

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A local man wins the lottery.

After he’s cashed in his winnings he’s overwhelmed with joy, gratitude, and serenity. He wants to give back to his community and he thinks that everyone should get in on the feels. He decides to throw a grand party at his new mansion where anyone in town can come to eat and drink for free as long as they come dressed in an outfit that represents an emotion.

The night of the party arrives and the first guests were two lawyers dressed in head-to-toe green. When the man asks what their outfits mean, they reply, “We’re green with envy about your recent financial success!”. Pleased with the answer, the man waves them inside.

The next couple to arrive were teachers at the nearby elementary school. Their bodies were completely covered in pink feathers. The man amusedly inquires what emotion the feathers represent. In unison they chime, “We’re tickled pink that you’re so wealthy now!”. Sharing a chuckle, he lets them into the party.

The third duo to show up on the man’s doorstep were two notoriously vacuous gangsters nearly as naked as their first birthday. Shocked, the man asks why they are completely nude except for one of them having a piece of fruit on his penis, and the other with his manhood in a bowl of gloop. The gangster nearest the man says matter-of-factly, “Yo, check it. I’m all deep in ‘dis pear, and this guy is fuckin’ ‘dis custard!”.

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A Jamaican fireman…

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A Jamaican fireman…

…came home from work one day and said to his wife: “Y’know sumpin, we have a wonderful new system at de fire station. Bell 1 rings – we put on our jackets. Bell 2 rings – we slide down de pole. Bell 3 rings – we jump on de ingine and we’s ready to go. From now on, when I says ‘Bell one’ I want you to strip naked. When I says Bell two’ you jump on de bed. When I says ‘Bell tree’ we’s gonna mek love all tru de night.”

The next night he came home and shouted ‘Bell One’ and she stripped naked. ‘Bell Two’ and she jumped on the bed. ‘Bell Tree’ and they started to make love.

After a few minutes the wife yelled out “Bell Four”.

“What de hell is ‘Bell Four’?” he asked.

She replied : “Roll out more hose, mon, you aint nowhere near de fire.”

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Stupid People Joke: Some Annoying Early Morning Joggers

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After driving for about six hours,…

a trucker decides to pull over and sleep for a little while.

As soon as he falls asleep,…

He is awoken by some knocks on the door of the cab.

“Can you tell me the time, please?” asks a jogger.

“Yeah, it’s 4:30,” answers the trucker.

He falls asleep again,…

But he is awoken again by another jogger who wants to know the time.

“It’s 4:40!” yells the trucker.

Deciding to really try to sleep a little,…

He writes on a piece of paper: I DON’T KNOW THE TIME.

He sticks the paper in his windshield.

But he is awoken again.

* * * * * * * * *

“It’s 5:25!” another jogger yells at him.

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Funny Joke: An Atheist, The Lord & Wild Bear In The Jungle

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A photographer, who was also a confirmed atheist,..

Decided to go into the woods to capture photos of the fall foliage.

It was a beautiful day: fall colors, birds chirping, a babbling brook,…

And a gentle breeze rustling the leaves.

While snapping shots, the photographer heard a noise behind him,…

And whirled around to see a huge bear coming through the bushes.

He dropped his camera and ran. And kept running and running…

And looking behind him, he noticed the bear was gaining on him!

He was so scared that tears came to his eyes.

He ran faster, but the bear was closing in on him.

He ran faster yet and tripped over a root.

Rolling over onto his back, the man saw the bear rise to his full height and raise a huge paw…

And the atheist cried out, “Oh, God, no!”

And everything stopped.

The birds stopped chirping. The brook stopped babbling. The gentle breeze stopped.

And the bear froze with his paw in the air.

And the man heard a booming voice say,…

“Young man. For years you’ve doubted my very existence,..

But now that your life is in peril you call my name to help you. Why should I do so?”

And the man thought for a moment, and said,..

“Yes, you are right. If you are God, then it would be hypocritical of me to become a Christian at this point in my life.

But, do you think that you could at least make the bear a Christian for today?”

And the booming voice was quiet for a moment and then said, “Done.”

And everything started again.

The birds chirping, brook babbling, and gentle breeze rustling the leaves.

And the bear slowly lowered his paw.

Then the bear put his paws together, and bowed his massive head and said:,..

* * * * * * * * * * *

“Dear Lord, please bless this food we are about to eat.”

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