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A man goes to a confession booth…

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A man goes to a confession booth…

Man: I committed all 7 deadly sins in about two hours…

Priest: Holy Jesus, let me hear this.

Man: I was angry and envious of my neighbor. I seduced his wife and lazily ate his groceries, and didn’t share any of them.

Priest: Oh thank Heaven, you missed pride.

Man: No, I’m pretty proud of this.

Priest: Say 100 Hail Mary’s for each sin and give alms.

Man: Oh, Father, I’m not catholic.

Priest: Then why are you telling me?

Man: Are you kidding? I’m telling everyone!

Jokes

Bertha and Homer…

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Bertha and Homer…

…were in their early 90s, both widowed, and were fairly active. One Sunday they ended up sitting next to each other in church. They struck up a conversation afterward, and decided to have lunch at the diner. They found that they really liked one another.

Every Sunday after that, they sat together in church and went to lunch afterward. A few months later, they decided to get married.

They took the bus a few towns over to stay in a hotel on their wedding night. Bertha went into the bathroom to freshen up, and Homer eagerly disrobed and got into bed.

She came out of the bathroom naked except for a towel around her waist, and walked toward the bed and her groom.

“There’s something I should tell you, Homer,” she said.

“What is it?,” he asked.

“I have acute angina,”

“Well that’s a good thing, ’cause them saggy titties ain’t doing a thing for me!

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The purple joke

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The purple joke

Obligatory apology for grammar and spelling

okay so this man is driving down a road late at night when his car breaks down, and his phone is dead so he decides to walk until he finds the first house he sees, so he walks and he walks until he reaches a purple cabin and so he walks up the purple driveway to the purple sidewalk and past the purple flowers up to the purple door and rings the purple doorbell, where a nice old lady wearing purple slippers and purple glasses, she asks “hi how may i help you” to which the man responds “ my car broke down can I borrow your phone”, and the nice old lady says “I’ll do ya one better you can stay the night” so she leads him down the purple hallway to the guest bedroom with the purple lamp, purple carpet, and purple drapes and he goes right to bed the next day he wakes up and walks past the purple couch to the purple kitchen where the lady offers him a nice breakfast she goes “I only have two options would u like the raisin bran or cheerips” the man says “you know I think I’ll have the raisin bran so he eats his breakfast with the purple spoon and he goes off on his merry way

Sometime goes by and a woman is driving down the road and her car breaks down and her phone is dead so she decides she’ll walk to the nearest cabin so she walks and she walks and finally she sees a purple tree and a purple mailbox and she walks up the purple driveway to the purple door and uses the purple door knocker and a sweet old lady wearing a purple nightgown answers the door she asks “hi how may i help you” to which the woman responds “ my car broke down can I borrow your phone”, and the nice old lady says “I’ll do ya one better you can stay the night” so the woman uses the purple phone and then the old lady leads her down the purple hallway past the purple clock to the guest bedroom with the purple walls, and the purple ceilings and purple pillows and the woman goes straight to bed the next day she wakes up and walks past the purple cat to the purple kitchen and the lady offers her a nice breakfast she goes “I only have two options would u like the raisin bran or cheerios” the woman says “you know I think I’ll have the cheerios so she eats her breakfast with the purple spoon and she goes off on his merry way

So some more time goes by and another man is driving down a road late at night when his car breaks down, and his phone is dead so he decides to walk until he finds the first house he sees, so he walks and he walks until he reaches the same purple cabin and so he walks up the purple driveway past a purple garden gnome to the purple door and rings the purple doorbell, a nice old lady answer the door with her purple clothing and her purple robe and she asks “hi how may i help you” to which the man responds “ my car broke down can I borrow your phone”, and the nice old lady says “I’ll do ya one better you can stay the night” so he uses the same purple phone and she leads him to the same purple room with the same purple nightstand purple bed and purple lamp, and he goes to bed the next day he wakes up and goes to the purple kitchen, where the lady offers him a nice breakfast in a purple bowl she says I can offer you cheerios or raisin bran “ and the man says “I’ll take the raisin bran please” he eats his food and is off on his merry way. And all this goes to show that 2 out of 3 people prefer raisin bran over cheerios

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The Modern Magician

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The Modern Magician

A man and woman go to a magic show and the magician on stage says, “I challenge anyone in the audience that I can guess your name in 5 attempts or I’ll pay you $1000!” He holds aloft a handful of $100 bills.

Not being one to turn down a nice payday, the man jumps up and says “You’ll never guess my name!”

On a lark, the magician shouts “Rumpelstiltskin!” The audience chuckles and the man shakes his head.

The magician invites the man on stage and looks him up and down, noticing his jewelry, clothing, and the marks of years of hard labor in the calloused hands.

“With my remaining 4 guesses, I’ll go with… Thomas!”

The man looks at him in surprise and says “That’s my father’s name, and my oldest brother is a junior, but no, that’s not my name.”

“Timothy!”

“No, that’s my cousin, named after my grandfather.”

“Theodore!”

“Nope, not even close. Nobody in my family has that name.”

The magician calls on the audience, “Besides the lovely woman at this man’s table, can anyone out there give me a guess?”

Shouts of Robert, Steven, Lou, Fred, and dozens of names fly from the voices in the crowd. The magician shakes his head and waves to the audience to quiet down as he gives it a last try… slyly watching the man’s wife from the corner of his eye, in case she responds to any of the shouted names, but she’s a stern poker face and he gets nothing from her.

“Alright, for my final guess… Travis!”

The man smiles, looks the magician in the eye, and holds out his hand. Triumphant, the magician takes it and shakes his hand with delight, jolting across the stage in success, as the man looks at him and waves.

The magician says, “So your name IS Travis then?”

The man says, “No, I was holding out my hand for the Thousand bucks, not to shake yours.”

Shocked the magician asks, “But you’re wearing the letter “T” on that chain around your neck. Is that perhaps the first letter of your wife’s name? Or your last name?”

Now looking confused, the man says, “Letter “T?” and looks down at his crucifix. “No, my name is Harold Mason, and this is not a Letter “T” but my cross. Are you not a Christian, sir?”

The magician begins laughing hysterically and throws the wad of hundreds in the air, causing a mad dash from the front row audience members as he points to Harold and says, “Somebody call the loony bin! We got grown man who talks to invisible people in the sky!”

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