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A man goes to the store to get a hot water bottle

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A man goes to the store to get a hot water bottle

A man goes to the store to get a hot water bottle. The clerk tells him he has just sold his last one. But if he wants to, he can take the cat, which should also accomplish the same goal of keeping his bed warm. The man agrees and goes home with the cat.

The next day the man goes back to store with scratches all over his body. The clerk, shocked, asks the man what had happened with the cat. The man replies: “Well, it was fine at first, he even managed to endure the funnel up his ass… But when it came to the hot water…”

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Three guys are sitting around the campfire…

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Three guys are sitting around the campfire…

…exchanging their worst experiences. The first guy says the worst thing that ever happened to him was, he was up on scaffold 7 stories high washing windows when the scaffold collapsed and he fell, breaking every bone in his body and he was hospitalized for six months.

The second guy says the worst thing that ever happened to him was, he was hitch-hiking and a Greyhound bus ran over him, breaking his back and he wound up in the hospital for nearly a year.

The 3rd guy was not saying anything, so one of the others asked him about his worst experience.

He said, “Well, I’ll tell you about the second worst thing that ever happened to me, I was out hunting one time and I had to take a shit, so I stepped behind a tree, dropped my trousers, and crouched down into the position.”

“Yeah? What happened next?” asks his friend.

“I got a little too close to the ground and — WHAM — a bear trap snapped shut on my testicles.”

The other guy says, “God! If that was the second worst, what in the world was the worst?”

He calmly replied, “Oh, that would be when I reached the end of the chain. . .”

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3 sailors get stranded on an island and get captured by a cannibal gang

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3 sailors get stranded on an island and get captured by a cannibal gang

The sailors plead with the king to spare their lives so the king strikes a deal. He says: “Each if you have to go in the forest and get three of the same fruit”

So the sailors go into the forest. The first sailor comes back with 3 kiwis. The king then tells him: “Now stick all three up your ass and if you make a sound you lose your life!” The sailor does as he’s told and as he puts the second kiwi in he screams in agony. So he loses his life.

The second sailor comes back with three grapes and the king tells him the same thing. So the second sailor starts putting the grapes up his ass and as he is about to put the third grape in he suddenly he starts laughing hysterically. The king asks: “What happened, you were doing so well!”

The second sailor replies: “I’m sorry but I just saw the third guy walk out of the forest with 3 pineapples!”

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A good joke for the guys

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A guy enters a bar carrying an alligator.

He says to the other patrons, “Here’s the deal. I’ll open this alligator’s mouth and insert my genitals. The gator will close his mouth for one full minute, then open it, and I’ll remove my unit unscathed . If it works everyone buys me drinks.”

All of the other patrons clap and cheer. It’s a deal.

So the guy opens the gator’s mouth. The gator closes its mouth. After a minute, the guy grabs a bottle and smashes it to the gator’s head, he opens the mouth and removes his genitals unharmed. Everyone buys him drinks.

Then he says:  “I’ll pay $100 to anyone else who’s willing to give it a try.”

After a while, a hand goes up in the back of the room. It’s a woman.

“I’ll try.” She says. “But you have to promise not to hit me with the beer bottle after the minute is up.”

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