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A man spoke to each of his 3 sons when he sent them off to college…

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A man spoke to each of his 3 sons when he sent them off to college…

“I feel it’s my duty to provide you with the best possible education, and you do not owe me anything for that.  However, I want you to appreciate it.  As a token, please each put $1,000 into my coffin when I die.”

And so it happened.  His sons became a doctor, a lawyer and a financial planner, each very successful financially.  When their father’s time had come, and they saw their father in the coffin, they remembered his wish.
First, the doctor put 10 newly printed crisp $100 bills onto the chest of the deceased.
Then, the financial planner also put $1,000 there in 20 newly printed crisp $50 bills.
Finally, it was the heartbroken lawyer’s turn.  He reached into his pocket, took out his checkbook, wrote a check for $3,000, put it into his father’s coffin, and took the $2,000 cash.
The lawyer is now running for Congress, possibly in your district.

Jokes

A Drunk Man Stumbles Out of A Bar…

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A Drunk Man Stumbles Out of A Bar…

…and sees two priests walking across the street. He staggers towards the two priests and stops in front of them. He turns to the first priest and proudly says, “I’m Jesus Christ!” The first priest shakes his head and replies, “No, son, you’re not.” He then turns to the second priest and says again, “I’m Jesus Christ!” Again, the second priest replies, “No, son, you’re not.” The drunk man finally says, “Follow me, I’ll prove it too you!” Curious, the two priests follow behind him as he walks back into the bar. Immediately upon entering, the bartender takes one look at the man and says, “Jesus Christ, you’re here again?!”

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Jokes

Magic mirror

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Magic mirror

Three ladies walked into a bar. One brunette, one redhead, and one blonde. They went to the tender and he said:” theres a magic mirror in the bathroom, if you tell the truth in front of it you will walk away with whatever you wish for. If you lie however, you will disappear forever”

The three ladies one by one went to the mirror and gave their “truths”

Brunette: I think im smart! The brunette walked out with million dollars

Redhead: My dog is my bestie.

The redhead walked out with a ticket for a life time supply of dogfood.

Blonde: I think –

poof

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Jokes

There once was a punk kid who would always ask his mother to use her car so he could hang with his friends.

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There once was a punk kid who would always ask his mother to use her car so he could hang with his friends.

“I need the car, Ma.” He would say.

“Your brother is using it for work.” She would always reply.

His brother was an up and coming comedian who was always going around to open mic nights trying to make a name for himself. Since he was working so hard, their mom tended to favor lending her car to the brother instead.

One day, the punk kid was bored and started looking through his brothers stuff looking for something to do, when he stumbled upon evidence that his brother was actually stealing content from other comedians. Shocked, the punk ran downstairs and told his mother who was equally flabbergasted.

Later that night when the brother came home, the punk kid and their mother confronted him.

“Why would you steal content from other comedians?” The kid asked.

“Yeah, its truly a horrendous thing to do, why?!” Cried their mother.

The brother looked to the two of them and laughed, holding up the car keys.

“Cause stealing jokes is the best way to get the car, Ma.”

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