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A man was offroading in the desert.

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A man was offroading in the desert.

He was driving over the dunes and past the shrubs and bushes that dotted the landscape, when a sandstorm started blowing over. He figured he’d be fine, but the sand made his engine lock up.

After it had passed, he went out in search for help. The storm disoriented him and blew away his car tracks. He figured he couldn’t be that far from any town, so he started walking.

He walked for hours. The sun started setting, and he was no closer to civilization. He couldn’t see his car anymore, and figured he’d be better off waiting till morning to continue. He found a shady spot and layed down. When he woke up he was even more disoriented. He kept going, hoping he’d find something soon.

Eventually he found himself in a large flat empty plain. He saw something in the middle of it, but he couldn’t tell what it was. He kept walking towards it until it was clear; in the middle of the desert was a large tilted pole, on top of which was a snake.

“Who are you?” he asked, examining it.

“I am Nate the snake. I am the guardian of this lever.” he replied.

So it’s a lever, he thought. He couldn’t tell if this was a hallucination. It felt real. He wasn’t dead. But more pressing, he was talking to a snake, and even worse, the snake spoke!

“You can talk!?”

“Of course I can. I was placed here eons ago to guard this lever.”

He had many questions. Who placed him there? Why? What does the lever do? How does he talk? Where am I? But all he could think of was,

“So your name is Nate?”

“That’s right.”

It has to be heatstroke, he thought. No way is a snake here talking to me! But it was, and he was healthy as a horse. A little dehydrated, but nothing fatal.

“Are you real?”

“Of course I am.” the snake replied.

“So why are you on top of this lever?”

“Well, it’s the lever that kills all of humanity. Must guard it from the wrong hands!”

“How does that work?” He asked.

“I’m not sure. All I know is that if it’s pushed, all humans will perish.” Nate the snake replied.

At this point he figured it was time to head on, he didn’t exactly have a need to kill all humans.

“Do you know where the nearest town is?”

“Of course. It’s about 10 miles that way” he said, pointing with his tail.

“Alright, well, thank you.” he said, before heading off.

Sure enough, there was a town not 10 miles from where the snake was, where he found a local tow truck rental that would allow him to rescue his car. The next morning, after sleeping at a local inn, he set off in a small tow truck to find if the snake had been real. Personally, he’d like to thank him for saving his life, as he wouldn’t have found the town otherwise.

As he summitted the last dune, he could see the snake in the distance, 10 feet away from the pillar, devouring a small animal. Just then, the sand started to give way and his tires lost all grip. He was sliding down at an alarming rate, and knew he only had time to make a split second decision, as he was aiming directly for the lever! So he ripped the wheel to the side, and with all his might, hit the gas, moving his trajectory away from the lever, but now he was aiming towards the snake! All he could think to say in this tense moment was,

“Better nate than lever!”

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Jokes

Seems there was a treasure ship on its way back to port.

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Seems there was a treasure ship on its way back to port.

About halfway there, it was approached by a pirate, skull and crossbones waving in the breeze!

“Captain, captain, what do we do?” asked the first mate.

“First mate,” said the captain, “go to my cabin, open my sea chest, and bring me my red shirt.” The first mate did so.

Wearing his bright red shirt, the captain exhorted his crew to fight. So inspiring was he, in fact, that the pirate ship was repelled without casualties.

A few days later, the ship was again approached, this time by two pirate sloops!

“Captain, captain, what should we do?”

“First mate, bring me my red shirt!”

The crew, emboldened by their fearless captain, fought heroically, and managed to defeat both boarding parties, though they took many casualties. That night, the survivors had a great celebration. The first mate asked the captain the secret of his bright red shirt.

“It’s simple, first mate. If I am wounded, the blood does not show, and the crew continues to fight without fear.”

A week passed, and they were nearing their home port, when suddenly the lookout cried that ten ships of the enemy’s armada were approaching!

“Captain, captain, we’re in terrible trouble, what do we do?”
The first mate looked expectantly at the miracle worker.

Pale with fear, the captain commanded, “First mate…. bring me my brown pants!”

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Jokes

Things are tough al over

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Things are tough al over

A man was having a hard time keeping ends meet so he had a talk to his wife, which was very beautiful and had a great body. “Wife, I do not think we will have enough money this month so I am going to need you help”, he said. She responded; ” Anything I can do, how can I help?” He responded; “Well I as thinking with that body I think you can prostitute you self and we can make enough money for the month” She thought for a minute and responded; “Well like I said, if that is what I need to do for my family that is what I would do” Friday night husband and wife went to the red district, she was wearing a very short red skirt and a small blouse without a bra, her nipples were showing, she looked stunning. The first client rode on a sedan and ask her “are you working” she responded ” yes I am working” the guy in the car then asked “how much?” she thought for a second and did not know what to say so she told the man in the car to wait for a minute, she then run to where her husband was and ask him “babe, how much do I charged, I don’t know about these things” the husband responded “well I don’t know $50 for a BJ and $100 for intercourse I guess” she quickly went to where the man was parked and told him the prices, he responded “well I only have $50 so I guess a BJ is going to be” She got into the car with him and was ready to start when the man pulls a monster of a penis, she looks at it for a bit and ask to wait another minute, she runs to where her husband is “what is wrong? did you do it?” he asked and she timidly ask her husband, “I was wondering if you can lend this guy $50.

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I recall my first time with a condom.

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I recall my first time with a condom.

I was 16 or so and I went in to buy a packet of condoms at the pharmacy. There was this beautiful woman assistant behind the counter, and she could see that I was new at it. She handed me the package and asked if I knew how to wear one. I honestly answered, ‘No, this is my first time.’

So she unwrapped the package, took one out and slipped it over her thumb. She cautioned me to make sure it was on tight and secure. I apparently still looked confused. So, she looked all around the store to see if it was empty. It was empty.

‘Just a minute,’ she said, and walked to the door, and locked it. Taking my hand, she led me into the back room, unbuttoned her blouse and removed it. She unhooked her bra and laid it aside. ‘Do these excite you?’ She asked.

Well, I was so dumb-struck that all I could do was nod my head. She then said it was time to slip the condom on. As I was slipping it on, she dropped her skirt, removed her panties and lay down on a desk.

‘Well, come on’, she said, ‘We don’t have much time.’ So I climbed on her. It was so wonderful, that unfortunately, I could no longer hold back and BOOM, I was done within a few moments.

She looked at me with a bit of a frown. ‘Did you put that condom on?’ she asked.

I said, ‘I sure did,’ and held up my thumb to show her.

She fainted.”

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