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A pregnant woman walking across the street is caught in a firefight between cops and some bank robbers

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A pregnant woman walking across the street is caught in a firefight between cops and some bank robbers

She’s hit three times in the abdomen and immediately rushed to the ER. They perform an emergency cesarian section and remove seemingly three healthy children – 2 girls and a boy. Further examination shows no sign of any shrapnel. The doctors monitor closely the new family but nothing seems amiss. Life goes on apparently uneventful.

However some thirteen years later, one of the daughters comes down and exclaims ‘Mummy Mummy! I just went for a wee and a bullet came out!’ The mother explains the story and reassures her daughter

Then the second daughter comes running down ‘Mummy Mummy! I just went for a wee and a bullet came out!’ The mother again explains the story and reassures her other daughter

Finally the little boy comes down ‘Mummy Mummy!’ – the mother stops him there ‘ I know – you went for a wee and a bullet came out’
‘Actually Mum – I was having a wank and I shot the cat’

Jokes

Two drunks are talking in a bar…

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Two drunks are talking in a bar…

The first one says “You know what’s weird about city hall? When they built it they didn’t take into account wind loads. We get so much wind here the top floor rocks back and forth 20 feet”

The second one says “yeah, but because of that wind you can jump off the roof of the building across the street, and the wind will catch you and blow you right back to the top.”

“Bullshit! You’re having me on.”

“It’s true!”

They argue back and forth for a while until the second drunk slams down his glass and says “I’ll prove it.”

They stagger across the street to the other building and climb the stairs to the roof.

Second drunk: “Watch!”

Before the first drunk can stop him, he jumps off the roof. He plunges several storeys but then – swoosh! – he soars right back up and drops gracefully back onto the roof.

The first drunk stand there, his mouth hanging open in amazement. “I’ve gotta try this!” He leaps off the building,plunges, and… splat.

The second drunk shrugs and goes back to the bar.

As he walks in alone, with a crowd gathering around the body of the first drunk across the street, the bartender looks at him and shakes his head.

“You make a mean drunk, Superman.”

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My wife won’t like it

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My wife won’t like it

While riding my Harley, I swerved to avoid hitting a deer, lost control and landed in a ditch, severely banging my head. Dazed and confused I crawled out of the ditch to the edge of the road when a shiny new convertible pulled up with a very beautiful woman who asked, “Are you okay?”

As I looked up, I noticed she was wearing a low cut blouse with cleavage to die for… “I’m okay I think,” I replied as I pulled myself up to the side of the car to get a closer look.

She said, “Get in and I’ll take you home so I can clean and bandage that nasty scrape on your head.”

“That’s nice of you,” I answered, “but I don’t think my wife will like me doing that!”

“Oh, come now, I’m a nurse,” she insisted. “I need to see if you have any more scrapes and then treat them properly.”

Well, she was really pretty and very persuasive. Being sort of shaken and weak, I agreed, but repeated, “I’m sure my wife won’t like this.”

We arrived at her place which was just a few miles away and, after a couple of cold beers and the bandaging, I thanked her and said, “I feel a lot better, but I know my wife is going to be really upset so I’d better go now.”

“Don’t be silly!” she said with a smile, while unbuttoning her blouse exposing the most beautiful set of boobs I’ve ever seen. “Stay for a while. She won’t know anything. By the way, where is she?”

“Still in the ditch with my Harley, I guess.”

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The difference between men and women

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The difference between men and women

A man applies for a job with the FBI.

The interviewer says: “Everything looks good, we just have one test to prove that you’ll take on any task we ask of you.”

He hands the man a semi-automatic handgun.

“Through that door, your wife is tied to a chair. I need you to go in there and shoot her in the back of the head.”

Reluctantly, the man goes in and closes the door. A few moments later, he comes back.

“I’m sorry, I couldn’t do it.” he says and they let him and his wife leave.

A woman applies for the same job and is told the same thing. Her husband is tied to a chair in the next room.

She gets up and walks through the door.

The interviewer hears several gunshots and the some heavy grunting from the woman. She comes out of the room, covered in blood.

“This gun was full of blanks, so I had to beat him to death with it!”

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