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A woman is tired of her husband coming home drunk every night…

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A woman is tired of her husband coming home drunk every night…

…so she decides to teach him a lesson!

Usually every night plays out the same way. Her husband comes home drunk as a skunk, walks directly to the bathroom to take a shit after which he makes his way to the bedroom, collapses on the bed and starts snoring like a freight train.

The woman is counting on this night to play out the same way. Earlier in the day she visited the local butcher where she bought pig intestines. Once she got home she placed the intestines in the toilet bowl.

At ten past midnight her husband stumbles through the front door, reeking of booze. Without so much as a “Hi” to acknowledge the existence of his wife he makes his way to the bathroom.
Ten minutes go by. Twenty, thirty, forty. The woman actually starts to become a little worried but decides to wait her husband out.
After almost an hour her husband finally emerges from the bathroom. His face is bright red and dripping with sweat.

– “You will NOT believe what just happened to me! I shat out my intestines!!”, says the husband.

Playing along the woman answers:

– “Shat out your intestines?!? How is that even possible?”

– “You tell me!”, responds the husband. “And shitting them out was not even the worst part. The worst part was pushing them back in!!!”

Jokes

The Bulgarian Train Conductor

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The Bulgarian Train Conductor

Most kids want to become a firefighter or astronaut when they’re older. This man, however, really wanted to become a train conductor. Unfortunately, he gets the job and he loves it. But one particular day, he’s enjoying his job a little too much. He’s driving too fast and accidentally derails the train, killing a passenger!

Bulgaria takes him to court and they find him guilty, sentencing him to death by electrical chair. They ask for his last words and his last meal. He didn’t have much to say, but he did ask for one banana. The executioner, surprised, gave him his banana and sat him down. He pulls the lever, sparks fly and smoke fills the room, and as it clears, he’s still sitting there..

Now, at the time Bulgaria had this superstition: if someone lives their death sentence, it has to be a sign from God. He gets a second chance and he’s back to driving trains.

He’s happy as can be, celebrating his life and things going back to normal. He had a few drinks on the job, details and kills 2 passengers this time. He goes back to court, same deal, found guilty and sentenced to the electric chair. They ask for his last words, and once again he doesn’t have anything to say, but asks for 2 bananas this time. Now feeling a bit suspicious, they give him his bananas anyway. Flip the lever, smoke fills the room and sparks fly.. and to their amazement, he’s still sitting there.

Third times the charm right? Well, I guess this guy doesn’t learn his lessons. As you might’ve guessed, he killed 3 this time. The court is fed up with the guy, the people are outraged. “No more of this, screw the court system, screw your last words and your last bananas.” The executioner tells him while cranking up the voltage. He flips the switch, and after the smoke settles, he’s STILL sitting there.

They’re dumbfounded, the nation is in shock (hehe). When they ask him how he’s doing it he replies, “well, the bananas didn’t have anything to do with it… I’m just a bad conductor!”

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A professor, a CEO, and a janitor are in a forest when they discover a magic fairy

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A professor, a CEO, and a janitor are in a forest when they discover a magic fairy

The fairy says “I will give you what you most desire if you do someone else’s job for a day.”

The professor says “I’ll be an elementary school teacher. What can be so hard about teaching a bunch of 6-year-olds how to read?” so he is teleported into a classroom. After a few minutes, all the kids’ screaming gets to his nerves, so he throws all his supplies and gives up.

The C.E.O says “I’ll be a waiter. All you do is carry food back and forth. This’ll be a breeze” so he is teleported to a restaurant. After about an hour, all the annoying customers drive him insane, so he smashes his plates on the ground and gives up.

The janitor says “I’ll be an artist” so he is transported to an art facility. He glues all the classroom supplies and shattered plates to a canvas, then sells it for a billion dollars. The fairy asks the janitor how he was so clever.

The janitor says “I got a masters degree in art.”

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A man went to Church to confess..

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A man went to Church to confess..

A man sat in the confession booth in church and said : “Forgive me, my Father, for I have sinned !” “What have you done my son ?” The priest asked. “I had a Promiscuous dream !! I dreamt that I the touched the breast of Rihanna…” Silence prevailed for a moment, followed by the noise of the priest leaving his seat..the man thought to himself “Oh God , he must felt great resentment after my confession !!” Suddenly , the door opened on the Christian side and the priest exclaimed : “Give me your hand to kiss it”

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