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A woman is tired of her husband coming home drunk every night…

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A woman is tired of her husband coming home drunk every night…

…so she decides to teach him a lesson!

Usually every night plays out the same way. Her husband comes home drunk as a skunk, walks directly to the bathroom to take a shit after which he makes his way to the bedroom, collapses on the bed and starts snoring like a freight train.

The woman is counting on this night to play out the same way. Earlier in the day she visited the local butcher where she bought pig intestines. Once she got home she placed the intestines in the toilet bowl.

At ten past midnight her husband stumbles through the front door, reeking of booze. Without so much as a “Hi” to acknowledge the existence of his wife he makes his way to the bathroom.
Ten minutes go by. Twenty, thirty, forty. The woman actually starts to become a little worried but decides to wait her husband out.
After almost an hour her husband finally emerges from the bathroom. His face is bright red and dripping with sweat.

– “You will NOT believe what just happened to me! I shat out my intestines!!”, says the husband.

Playing along the woman answers:

– “Shat out your intestines?!? How is that even possible?”

– “You tell me!”, responds the husband. “And shitting them out was not even the worst part. The worst part was pushing them back in!!!”

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Funny Bad Joke: Little Johnny V/S Teacher’s Dirty Thinking

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A teacher asks her class:,

“If there are 5 birds sitting on a fence and you shoot one of them, how many will be left?”

She calls on little Johnny.

“None, they all fly away with the first gunshot.”

The teacher replies:,

“The correct answer is 4, but I like the way you think.”

Then Little Johnny says:,

“I have a question for YOU Madam.

There are three women sitting on a bench having ice cream.

One is delicately licking the sides of the triple scoop of ice cream.

The second is gobbling down the top and sucking the cone.

The third is biting off the top of the ice cream. Which one is married?”

The teacher, blushing a great deal, replies”,

“Well I suppose the one that’s gobbled down the top and sucked the cone.”

* * * * * * * * * * *

“The correct answer is the one with the wedding ring on… but I like the way you think.”

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There once was a rich man who was near death.

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There once was a rich man who was near death.

He was very much aggrieved because he had worked very hard for his money, and he wanted to be able to take it with him to Heaven.

So he began to pray that he might be able to take some of his wealth.

An angel heard his plea and appeared to him. “Sorry, but you can’t take your wealth with you.”

The man implored the angel to speak to God to see if He might bend the rules.

The angel reappeared and announced that God had decided to make an exception and was allowing him to take one suitcase with him.

Overjoyed, the man gathered his largest suitcase, filled it with pure gold bars, and placed it beside his bed.

Soon afterward the man died and showed up at the pearly gates.

St. Peter, seeing the suitcase, said, “Hold on, you can’t bring that in here!”

But the man explained to St. Peter that he had permission and asked him to verify his story with the Lord.

Sure enough, St. Peter returned, saying, “You’re right. You are allowed one carry- on bag, but I’m supposed to check its contents before letting it through.”

St. Peter opened the suitcase to inspect the worldly items that the man found too precious to leave behind and exclaimed, “You brought pavement?”

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Top 15 Clean Short Family Jokes: Quick Laugh In 5 Minutes

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Teacher: History is a very interesting subject. It tells you about what had happened in the past.

Student: Please teacher, I don’t think I want to study history.

Teacher: Why?

Student: There is no future in it.

Teacher: Ted, if your father has $10 and you ask him for $6, how much would your father still have?

Ted: $10.

Teacher: You don’t know maths.

Ted: You don’t know my father!

Mother: David, come here.

David: Yes, mum?

Mother: You really disappoint me. Your results are getting worse.

David: But I will only get my report book tomorrow.

Mother: I know that. But I am going to Hong Kong tomorrow, so I am scolding you now.

Father: Why did you fail your mathematics test?

Son: On Monday, teacher said 3+5=8

Father: So?

Son: On Tuesday, she said 4+4=8 And on Wednesday, she said 6+2=8.

If she can’t make up her mind, how do I know the right answer?

A mother and son were doing dishes while the father and daughter were watching TV in the living room.

Suddenly, there was a loud crash of breaking plates, then complete silence.

The daughter turned to look at her father.

Daughter: It’s mummy!

Father: How do you know?

Daughter: She didn’t say anything.

Girl: Do you love me?

Boy: Yes Dear

Girl: Would you die for me?

Boy: No, mine is undying love

Man: How old is your father?

Boy: As old as me

Man: How can that be?

Boy: He became a father only when I was born

Waiter: I’ve stewed liver, boiled tongue and frog’s leg.

Customer: Don’t tell me your problems. Give me the menu card.

Teacher: Simon, your composition on “My Dog” is exactly the same as your brother’s. Did u copy his?

Simon: No, teacher, it’s the same dog!

Father: Your teacher says she finds it impossible to teach you anything!

Son: That’s why I say she’s no good!

Teacher: “Where were u born?”

Student: ” Singapore , Sir.”

Teacher: “Which part?”

Student: “All of me, Sir.”

A teacher was asking her class: “What is the difference between ‘unlawful’ and ‘illegal’?”

Only one hand shot up.

“Ok, answer, Joan” said the teacher.

“‘unlawful’ is when you do something the law doesn’t allow and ‘illegal’ is a sick eagle.”

Teacher: “How come you do not comb your hair?”

Ah Kow: “No comb, Sir.”

Teacher: “Use your dad’s then.”

Ah Kow: “No hair, Sir.”

A boy came home from school with his exam results.

“What did you get?” asked his father.

“My marks are under water,” said the boy.

“What do you mean ‘under water’?”

“They are all below ‘C’ (sea) level”

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