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Back in the day there were two Preachers. (Long)

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Back in the day there were two Preachers. (Long)

Back in the 1950s there were two Preachers who lived at opposite ends of an old town in southern Georgia.

One of the preachers, and older and seasoned in his days of scripture, belonged to a Southern Baptist Church. The other, who was simply starting his career in the teachings of the word of God, was preaching at the Protestant church.

Back then, churches did not make a lot of money and therefore did not have much to pay their preachers with. Because of this, it was not uncommon that the preachers would be seen riding their bicycles through the town as they could not afford a car of their own.

When the young preacher had moved to town, the older preacher had welcomed him with a warm welcoming and they established a friendship.

The two would periodically meet down by the river that separates the northern and southern half’s of the town, to discuss their theological differences.

On one particular day the older preacher sat by the river, contemplating Gods existence and why the meaning of life could be. He had been waiting for a longer period of time than usual, awaiting the company of the younger preacher.

Eventually he hears a noise, and as he turns around he sees the young preacher huffing and puffing on his way to their meeting spot.

The older preacher calls out to him, “Well there you are, I didn’t think you’d make it today.”

“Sorry, Father”, replied the younger preacher. “I had to walk all the way here, and this summer heat is like Hell on Earth.”

The older preacher laughed, “Why did you walk, where is your bike?”

“I think someone may have stolen it Father,” replied the young preacher.

“Well, God Almighty, do you have any clue who it could of been?”, the older preacher asked earnestly.

“I haven’t the slightest clue, and I don’t have the cash to get another right now,” replied the young preacher.

“Well I think I might have an idea on how you can get that bike of yours back,” said the older preacher with a slight grin on his face.

“How do you reckon?” replied the young preacher.

“Well,” the older preacher began, “this Sunday you get on up there and you preach about eternal damnation. I mean you lay it on thick, make them feel that fire and smell that brimstone. You preach harder than you ever have about Hell, and you tell them the horrors. Then, you go over His 10 Commandments. And I’ll bet once you start down that list, once you get to Thou Shalt not Steal the perpetrator will confess and deliver you what is yours.”

“That’s not a bad idea Father, but do you think that would really work?” asked the young preacher.

“I don’t see why not, knowing the folks down here. Even if you don’t get a confession, I bet that bike of yours will show up miraculously,” replied the older preacher.

“You’re right! I will do as you suggest Father, I will try that out,” replied the young preacher.

A single week later, and it’s the young Preacher who is waiting for the seasoned Preacher by the river.

“Ah, I see you have recovered your bicycle. So what I told you worked?” shouted the older preacher as he walked up to the riverside.

“Well,” the young preacher started, “not exactly.”

“How do you mean?” the older preacher asked with a confused look on his face.

“Well, Father, I did the whole eternal damnation spiel and really had them burning in their seats. I mean really they were sweating, and it wasn’t just from the summer heat. I was laying it on thick, really bringing the fire and brimstone to life. After that I moved onto the 10 commandments just as you told me…but right when I got to the Thou Shalt Not Commit Adultery I remembered where I left my bike.”

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My (Swedish) grandfather told me this joke

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My (Swedish) grandfather told me this joke

A Swedish immigrant finally arrives at Ellis Island after days at sea, and with only $15 in his pocket. He’s eager to get a job, find a place to live, and start his new life in America, but after such a long and hard journey, his first stop is to get a drink to unwind!

He walks into the first pub he sees and is greeted by the bartender. The bartender says, “Hey there, what can I do you for?”

The Swede, eager to take his English for a spin in this new country, orders his favorite drink: “I’ll take a yin, please!”

The bartender grows visibly upset. “Yin? Yin?! What the hell is that? You’re another one o’ them lousy immigrants coming through that don’t know no good English. Get outta here and don’t come back till you can order a drink proper!”

The Swede leaves, feeling distraught, and instead finds work and lodging, putting the drink aside for now. Every night when he returns home from work, he practices his English in the mirror.

“Yin. Yin. Yyy…inn. Jyinn. Jjjiiinn. Gyiin. Giin. Gin. Gin! Gin! GIN!”

After weeks of practice, he’s ready. The Swede goes back to that same bar he entered when he first arrived in America. The bar tender recognizes him immediately. “Hey, it’s you again!” he yells. “I thought I told you to–“

But the Swede raises a hand and calmly interrupts. “Yes, I know. I would like to order a gin, please.”

The bar tender is speechless! A smile grows on his face, and he says, “well, would you look at that? You’ve learned quite a bit! Alright, I’ll get you that gin, sure thing. What would you like it with?”

The Swede answers, “yinyerale!”

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Another two immigrants joke

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Another two immigrants joke

Two immigrants are on a ship heading to America.

One asks the other, “What is the first thing you are going to do when you get to America?”

The second one replies, “Since I am going to become an American the first thing I am going to do is eat American food to start the process.”

The first one agrees that this is a great idea and decides to join him.

The ship docks and they leave looking for ‘American’ food.

They see a hot dog cart and head right over. As they are walking away, the first one opens his wrapper and stares for a moment, then turns to the other and asks,

“So what part of the dog did you get?”

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A man dies and goes up to heaven

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A man dies and goes up to heaven

He arrives at the pearly gates and there’s god standing there on the other side of the gates to greet him. The man walks up to the gates but as he gets closer he can’t help but see that the people inside are driving all different kind of cars, a bit curious the man asks god

“Why is everyone driving a different car what’s the deal?”

God turns to him and says “Well depending on how faithful someone is during their marriage is how we decide what kind of car they get”

The man looks at god excitedly and asks “Okay so what kind of car will I be getting?”

God looks at him and says “Well from what I can see it looked like you were very faithful to your wife, so I think I’ll give you a BMW”

The man excitedly walks through the gate and jumps into his brand new BMW and drives away.

A few weeks pass and god is driving around just checking to see how everyone is going and he happens to come across the same man, but he’s sitting in the gutter crying his eyes out, so god hops out of his car and walks over to him and asks him what wrong.

The man replied “I saw my wife the other day”

To which god replies “That’s great to hear! Why are you crying though?”

The man replies “She was riding a skateboard”

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