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Best Joke: A Very Distinguished Lady And A Priest

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A very distinguished lady was on a plane arriving from Switzerland.

She found herself seated next to a nice priest whom she asked:

“Excuse me Father, could I ask a favor?”

“Of course my child, What can I do for you?”

“Here is the problem, I bought myself a new sophisticated hair remover gadget for which I paid an enormous sum of money.

I have really gone over the declaration limits and I am worried that they will confiscate it at customs.

Do you think you could hide it under your cassock?”

“Of course I could, my child, but you must realize that I can not lie.”

“You have such an honest face Father, I am sure they will not ask you any questions”, and she gave him the ‘hair remover’.

The aircraft arrived at its destination.

When the priest presented himself to customs he was asked, “Father, do you have anything to declare?”

“From the top of my head to my sash, I have nothing to declare, my son”, he replied.

Finding this reply strange, the customs officer asked, “And from the sash down, what do you have?”

The priest replied, “I have there a marvelous little instrument designed for use by women, but which has never been used.”

Breaking out in laughter, the customs officer said, “Go ahead Father. Next!”

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A priest is walking down the river one day

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A priest is walking down the river one day

As he is strolling along he sees one of his parishioners fighting to land a fish. The priest jumps in to help land what they discover is a very large trout.
“Will you look at the size of that son of a bitch!” says the parishioner to which the priest is quick to chastise him for his bad language. Thinking quickly the parishioner explains that this type of fish is actually called a son of a bitch and for penance he gives it to the priest to take home for his supper.

At home, the mother superior is in the kitchen when the priest walks in and presenting the fish exclaims “Would you look at the size of this son of a bitch!” The Mother Superior recoils in horror, but the priest explains again that this is what the fish is called. They then decide to take it to the Bishop as it is a very fine fish.

At the Bishop’s house they show him the fish and exclaim what a fine son of a bitch this is. The Bishop goes mad until they manage to calm him down and explain that is the fishes name. He relents and then takes a look at the fish, exclaims what a glorious son of a bitch it is and that the pope is coming to dinner and they should serve it as the main course.

Pope comes around and they serve up the giant and very tasty fish. All very proud they take it in turns to share their part in it

The priest boasts “I helped catch the son of a bitch!”

The Mother Superior beams “And I cooked the son of the bitch!”

And the Bishop states “And I thought you should be the person to eat this son of a bitch!”

The pope looks at them all in turn. Then he leans back in his chair, puts his feet on the table, crosses his arms behind his head and says “You know what? You fuckers are allllriiiiggghhtt!”

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A German, a Frenchman, an Englishman and a Brazilian appreciate the picture of Adam and Eve in Paradise.

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A German, a Frenchman, an Englishman and a Brazilian appreciate the picture of Adam and Eve in Paradise.

German comments:

“Look at what perfection of bodies: she, slender and haired; he, with his athletic body, his profiled muscles. They must be Germans.”

Frenchman replies:

“I don’t believe it. The eroticism from the figures is evident! She, so feminine, he, so masculine. They show that they know that soon the temptation will come. They must be French.”

Englishman ponder:

“See the serenity of their faces, the delicacy of the pose, the sobriety of the gestures. They can only be English.”

And after a few seconds of silent contemplation, the Brazilian states:

“I do not agree. Look well: they have no clothes, no house, only have one apple to eat, and believe they are in Paradise. They can only be Argentines!”

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I saw a man sitting alone in the park one day…

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I saw a man sitting alone in the park one day…

and I noticed how in his hand he held a one hundred dollar bill.

Interesting, I thought. I wouldn’t wave that much money around in the open. But that’s when I saw him reaching into a bag and pulling out a pair of scissors. As he moved the scissors towards the bill I got worried and yelled out

“Hey, man! What are you doing? You shouldn’t be wasting money like that!”

The man stopped what he was doing and looked at me. And with the saddest eyes he said

“I-I’m sorry. It’s… it’s just that I fell on hard times and… I’ve had to start cutting corners.”

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