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Flight Captain Makes Shocking Announcement

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A plane was taking off from Kennedy Airport.

After it reached a comfortable cruising altitude, the captain made an announcement over the intercom:

“Ladies and gentlemen, this is your captain speaking.

Welcome to Flight number 293, non-stop from New York to Los Angeles.

The weather ahead is good and, therefore, we should have a smooth and uneventful flight.

Now sit back and relax… OH, MY GOD!”

Silence followed and, after a few minutes, the captain came back on the intercom and said,

“Ladies and Gentlemen, I am so sorry if I scared you earlier.

While I was talking to you, the flight attendant accidentally spilled a cup of hot coffee in my lap.

You should see the front of my pants!”

A passenger in business class yelled back,

“That’s nothing. You should see the back of mine!”

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Funny Joke: Wife Decides To Give Birthday Surprise To Husband

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A wife decides to take her husband, Dave, to a strip club for his birthday.

They arrive at the club and the doorman says,

“Hey, Dave! How ya doin’?”

His wife is puzzled and asks if he’s been to this club before.

“Oh no,” says Dave.

“He’s on my bowling team.”

When they are seated,…

A waitress asks Dave if he’d like his usual and brings over a Budweiser.

His wife is becoming increasingly uncomfortable and says,…

“How did she know that you drink Budweiser?”

“She’s in the Ladies Bowling League, honey. We share lanes with them.”

A stripper then comes over to their table, throws her arms around Dave, and says:,…

“Hi Davey. Want your usual table dance, big boy?”

Dave’s wife, now furious, grabs her purse and storms out of the club.

Dave follows and spots her getting into a cab.

Before she can slam the door, he jumps in beside her.

He tries desperately to explain how the stripper must have mistaken him for someone else,…

But his wife is having none of it.

She is screaming at him at the top of her lungs,…

Calling him every name in the book.

The cabby turns his head and says,

* * * * * * * * * * *

“Looks like you picked up a real bitch tonight, Dave.”

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A Jamaican fireman…

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A Jamaican fireman…

…came home from work one day and said to his wife: “Y’know sumpin, we have a wonderful new system at de fire station. Bell 1 rings – we put on our jackets. Bell 2 rings – we slide down de pole. Bell 3 rings – we jump on de ingine and we’s ready to go. From now on, when I says ‘Bell one’ I want you to strip naked. When I says Bell two’ you jump on de bed. When I says ‘Bell tree’ we’s gonna mek love all tru de night.”

The next night he came home and shouted ‘Bell One’ and she stripped naked. ‘Bell Two’ and she jumped on the bed. ‘Bell Tree’ and they started to make love.

After a few minutes the wife yelled out “Bell Four”.

“What de hell is ‘Bell Four’?” he asked.

She replied : “Roll out more hose, mon, you aint nowhere near de fire.”

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Stupid People Joke: Some Annoying Early Morning Joggers

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After driving for about six hours,…

a trucker decides to pull over and sleep for a little while.

As soon as he falls asleep,…

He is awoken by some knocks on the door of the cab.

“Can you tell me the time, please?” asks a jogger.

“Yeah, it’s 4:30,” answers the trucker.

He falls asleep again,…

But he is awoken again by another jogger who wants to know the time.

“It’s 4:40!” yells the trucker.

Deciding to really try to sleep a little,…

He writes on a piece of paper: I DON’T KNOW THE TIME.

He sticks the paper in his windshield.

But he is awoken again.

* * * * * * * * *

“It’s 5:25!” another jogger yells at him.

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