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Funny Catholic Humor Joke: Nervous New Priest V/S Vodka

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A new priest at his first mass was so nervous he could hardly speak.

After mass he asked the monsignor how he had done.

The monsignor replied, “When I am worried about getting nervous on the pulpit, I put a glass of vodka next to the water glass.

If I start to get nervous, I take a sip.”

So next Sunday he took the monsignor’s advice.

At the beginning of the sermon, he got nervous and took a drink.

He proceeded to talk up a storm.

Upon his return to his office after the mass, he found the following note on the door:

Sip the vodka, don’t gulp.

There are 10 commandments, not 12.

There are 12 disciples, not 10.

Jesus was consecrated, not constipated.

Jacob wagered his donkey, he did not bet his ass.

We do not refer to Jesus Christ as the late J.C.

The Father, Son, and Holy Ghost are not referred to as Daddy, Junior and the spook.

David slew Goliath, he did not kick the shit out of him.

When David was hit by a rock and was knocked off his donkey, don’t say he was stoned off his ass.

We do not refer to the cross as the “Big T.”

When Jesus broke the bread at the last supper he said, “take this and eat it for it is my body.” He did not say ” Eat me”.

The Virgin Mary is not called ” Mary with the Cherry,.

The recommended grace before a meal is not: Rub-A-Dub-Dub thanks for the grub, Yeah God.

Next Sunday there will be a taffy pulling contest at St.Peter’s not a peter pulling contest at St. Taffy’s.

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That’s how I ended up in Ohio.

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That’s how I ended up in Ohio.

I often wondered why my ancestors ended up in Ohio. I was combing through boxes of paperwork my parents had kept. Some of it dating back to when my great, great grandparents were alive. When they were traveling from the east to find a place to settle, my great, great grandmother became somewhat ill. My great, great grandfather was annoyed and made some comments that she should suck it up so they could continue to travel. She was also annoyed with him and then told him to go on without her and she would catch up with him in a few weeks. Still annoyed and not wanting to make her any madder, he asked her where he should stop and build the homestead. She then answered him by saying, “Stick it where the sun don’t shine.”

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Two Hillbillies

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Two Hillbillies

Two Hillbillies sitting in a Diner having a bite to eat. After the meal they start to discuss their plans to expand the family moonshine business.

All of a sudden, the woman on the table next to theirs starts to cough. It’s going on for a while, so Billy-Bob walks over and asks ‘kin ye swalla..?’

the woman shakes her head..

‘Kin ye breeve?’

as she turns a shade of blue, the woman shakes her head again

Without a seconds thought Billy-Bob lifts her dress, pulls her panties down and gives a long wet lick to her right bum cheek. So shocked by this the womans body shuddered with disgust and the blockage cleared with a jolt.

Billy-bob walks back to his table, Billy-Ray turns in amazement… ‘I done did hear about that Hind Lick Maneuver, but i didnt see it be done before!’

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A Drunk Man Stumbles Out of A Bar…

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A Drunk Man Stumbles Out of A Bar…

…and sees two priests walking across the street. He staggers towards the two priests and stops in front of them. He turns to the first priest and proudly says, “I’m Jesus Christ!” The first priest shakes his head and replies, “No, son, you’re not.” He then turns to the second priest and says again, “I’m Jesus Christ!” Again, the second priest replies, “No, son, you’re not.” The drunk man finally says, “Follow me, I’ll prove it too you!” Curious, the two priests follow behind him as he walks back into the bar. Immediately upon entering, the bartender takes one look at the man and says, “Jesus Christ, you’re here again?!”

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