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Funny IT Office Joke: Software Developer Monkey

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A tourist walked into a pet shop and was looking at the animals on display.

While he was there, another customer walked in and said to the shopkeeper,

“I’ll have a C monkey please.”

The shopkeeper nodded, went over to a cage at the side of the shop and took out a monkey.

He fit a collar and leash, handed it to the customer, saying, that’ll be $5000.”

The customer paid and walked out with his monkey.

Startled, the tourist went over to the shopkeeper and said,

“That was a very expensive monkey. Why did it cost so much?”

The shopkeeper answered,

“Ah, that monkey can program in C very fast, tight code, no bugs, well worth the money.”

The tourist looked at the monkey in another cage.

“That one’s even more expensive! $10,000! What does it do?”

“Oh, that one’s a C++ monkey; it can manage object – oriented programming, Visual C++, even some Java. All the really useful stuff,”

said the shopkeeper.

The tourist looked around for a little longer and saw a third monkey in a cage of its own.

The price tag around its neck read $50,000.

He gasped to the shopkeeper,

“That one costs more than all the other put together! What on earth does it do?”

The shopkeeper replied,

* * * * * * * * * * *

“Well, I haven’t actually seen it doing anything, but the other monkeys call him the project manager.”

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So I was just starting to play Harry Potter – Wizards Unite…

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So I was just starting to play Harry Potter – Wizards Unite…

…and was walking down the street. I noticed a young lady at the bus stop was also playing, which sparked a small conversation. She was very cute, maybe in her early 20s. She was telling me all about the professions you can pick from because she just hit level six. I was only level four so it was exciting to hear about a part of the game I have yet to unlock. But suddenly the conversation took a turn, and things started getting weird…

She goes on to explain in great detail as to why she does not have her wallet and is unable to pay for the bus ticket. Evidently she had an unstable living situation and had to flee her home with just the clothing on her back and her phone. Her story seemed legit, so I asked her how much the ticket was.

“It’ll be about $3.50.” she replies.

It was about at that time I realized that she was not at all the young lady I thought she was, but rather an eighty foot tall crustacean from the pedadoic era.

“God damnit Loch Ness monster, you ain’t getting my tree fiddy today” I proclaim as I storm off.

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Best Non-Veg Joke: Pregnant Wife V/S Husband’s Labor Pain

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A man took his pregnant wife to the hospital to give birth.

The doctor told them that he’d developed a new machine and asked if they’d like to try it.

The machine would take some of the woman’s pain away and give it to the father there by easing the mothers burden.

The couple thought it was a good idea and agreed to give it a try.

The Doctor set it on 10% to begin with, telling the man that 10% was still probably more pain than he had ever felt.

The man was surprised at how little pain he was feeling and asked for it to be increased.

The doctor turned it up to 20% with the same results.

This trend continued until the machine was set at 100%.

After the delivery both mother and father felt fine.

The wife was relieved at having an almost painless labor and the father was still amazed at how little pain was actually involved.

Later, when they took the baby home,

* * * * * * * * * * * *

They found the mailman dead on their doorstep.

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Good Office Joke: Job Interview, Are You Kidding?

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Reaching the end of a job interview,…

The Human Resources Person asked a young Engineer fresh out of MIT,

“And what starting salary were you looking for?”

The Engineer said,

“In the neighborhood of $225,000 a year, depending on the benefits package.”

The interviewer said,

“Well, what would you say to a package of 5-weeks vacation,

14 paid holidays, full medical and dental, company matching retirement fund to 50% of salary,

and a company car leased every two years – say, a red Corvette?”

The Engineer sat up straight and said,

“Wow! Are you kidding?”

* * * * * * * * * * *

And the interviewer replied, “Yeah, but you started it.”

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