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Funny One Liners: Best & Good Short English Humor Jokes

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• Did you ever walk in a room and forget why you walked in? I think that’s how dogs spend their lives.

• I asked my new girlfriend what sort of books she’s interested in, she said: Check books.

• The easiest way to make your old car run better, is to check the prices of new car.

• Sometimes when I reflect back on all the cigarettes I smoked, I feel ashamed. Then I look into the cigarette & think about the workers in the cigarette factory & all of their hopes & dreams. If I don’t smoke this cigarette, they might be out of work & their dreams would be shattered, Then I say to myself, it’s better that I smoke this cigarette & let their dreams come true then be selfish & worry about my LUNGS.

• Several women appeared in court, each accusing the other of the trouble in the flat where they lived. The judge called for orderly testimony. “I’ll hear the oldest first,” he decreed. The case was closed for lack of evidence.

• What is the difference between men and pigs? Pigs don’t turn into men when they drink.

• My wife thinks “freedom of the press” means no-iron clothes.

• When the best actors are chosen by other actors, it’s called the Oscars. When the best actors are chosen by the people, it’s called an election.

• A husband, the owner of a new car, was somewhat reluctant to allow his wife to drove his prize possession even to the grocery store which was a few blocks from the house. After she insisted, he finally relented, cautioning her as she departed, “Remember, if you have an accident, the newspaper will print your age!”

• A boy tells his mom that he seen a boy & a girl sitting at the top of the roof & kissing. Then his mom tell him that they are gonna get married. Then the boy asks his mom: When is dad gonna marry the maid?

• “Take a pencil and paper,” the teacher said, “and write an essay with the title ‘If I Were a Millionaire’” Everyone but Philip, who leaned back with arms folded, began to write furiously. “What’s the matter,” the teacher asked. “Why don’t you begin?” “I’m waiting for my secretary,” he replied.

• Wife’s definition of retirement: Twice as much husband on half as much pay.

• Q: What’s the difference between a good lawyer and a great lawyer? A: A good lawyer knows the law. A great lawyer knows the judge.

• Nurse: A beautiful woman who holds your hand for one full minute and then expects your pulse to be normal.

• At the scene of an accident a man was crying: O God! I have lost my hand, oh! Santa: Control yourself. Don’t cry. See that man. He has lost his head. Is he crying?

• A blonde was being admonished by the doctor: Until the penicillin cleans out your infection, you are to have no relations whatsoever! Pausing for a moment, blonde replied: Ok, but what about friends & neighbors?

• A French in a hotel in NY, phoned room service for some pepper. Attendant: Black pepper or white pepper? French: Toilette pepper!

• A history professor and a psychology professor were sitting on a deck at a nudist colony. The history professor asked the psychology professor, “Have you read Marx?” The psychology professor replied, “Yes, I think they are from the wicker chairs.”

• We sleep in separate rooms, we have dinner apart, we take separate vacations. we’re doing everything we can to keep our marriage together.

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The boy with no name.

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The boy with no name.

There once was a boy with no name. He went to school one day and his teacher asked for his name to witch the boy sadly replied, “I don’t know ma’am.” The boy went home crying because he didn’t know his own name, so he went to ask his mother.

His mother had a pair of really big boobs that touched the cutting board she was using. Suddenly the boy crept up on her and cried loudly, “MOMMY WHAT’S MY NAME!?” The boy’s mother was startled and accidentally chopped off both of her nipples. She screamed, “MY TITTIES!!!” As she bled all over the place. The boy was satisfied and said, “thanks Mommy!” As he skipped away.

The next day at school the boy proudly announced that his name was My Titties. On that day no one played with the boy on recess making his teacher feel bad for him. So she announced, “if no one plays with my titties this instant I’ll force you inside and make sure your punished!”

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Simple Clean Comedy Joke: American Couple V/S African Boy

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Joke Title: No Untruth

One American Couple went to Africa for their Honeymoon.

While walking on the countryside they saw one beautiful lake.

There was one little boy standing and enjoying the atmosphere on the bank.

They asked him whether there are any sharks in the lake.

He said: “No”.

They jumped in the lake but after few minutes they got suspicious.

They came back and asked the boy,…

“Are you sure there are no sharks ?”

He replied:

* * * * * * *

“Believe me, Sharks don’t come where there are Crocodiles”.

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Funny Bad Nurse Joke Of The Day: Size – Does It Matter?

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A young man was so paranoid about the size of his penis that he could never work up the courage to have sex.

Then one day he fell in love with a nurse.

One fine evening, they went back to her place.

She put on some soft music and led him into the bedroom.

Totally mortified, he told her of his problem.

“Don’t worry,” She said.

“I’m a nurse. I won’t laugh.”

Blushing the man drops his trousers.

“It’s OK,” she said.

“I’ve seen lots smaller than that.”

“Really?” the relieved man asked.

She nodded. “Yes,” she chuckled,

* * * * * *

“I used to work in the maternity unit.”

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