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Funny One Liners: Best & Good Short English Humor Jokes

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• Did you ever walk in a room and forget why you walked in? I think that’s how dogs spend their lives.

• I asked my new girlfriend what sort of books she’s interested in, she said: Check books.

• The easiest way to make your old car run better, is to check the prices of new car.

• Sometimes when I reflect back on all the cigarettes I smoked, I feel ashamed. Then I look into the cigarette & think about the workers in the cigarette factory & all of their hopes & dreams. If I don’t smoke this cigarette, they might be out of work & their dreams would be shattered, Then I say to myself, it’s better that I smoke this cigarette & let their dreams come true then be selfish & worry about my LUNGS.

• Several women appeared in court, each accusing the other of the trouble in the flat where they lived. The judge called for orderly testimony. “I’ll hear the oldest first,” he decreed. The case was closed for lack of evidence.

• What is the difference between men and pigs? Pigs don’t turn into men when they drink.

• My wife thinks “freedom of the press” means no-iron clothes.

• When the best actors are chosen by other actors, it’s called the Oscars. When the best actors are chosen by the people, it’s called an election.

• A husband, the owner of a new car, was somewhat reluctant to allow his wife to drove his prize possession even to the grocery store which was a few blocks from the house. After she insisted, he finally relented, cautioning her as she departed, “Remember, if you have an accident, the newspaper will print your age!”

• A boy tells his mom that he seen a boy & a girl sitting at the top of the roof & kissing. Then his mom tell him that they are gonna get married. Then the boy asks his mom: When is dad gonna marry the maid?

• “Take a pencil and paper,” the teacher said, “and write an essay with the title ‘If I Were a Millionaire’” Everyone but Philip, who leaned back with arms folded, began to write furiously. “What’s the matter,” the teacher asked. “Why don’t you begin?” “I’m waiting for my secretary,” he replied.

• Wife’s definition of retirement: Twice as much husband on half as much pay.

• Q: What’s the difference between a good lawyer and a great lawyer? A: A good lawyer knows the law. A great lawyer knows the judge.

• Nurse: A beautiful woman who holds your hand for one full minute and then expects your pulse to be normal.

• At the scene of an accident a man was crying: O God! I have lost my hand, oh! Santa: Control yourself. Don’t cry. See that man. He has lost his head. Is he crying?

• A blonde was being admonished by the doctor: Until the penicillin cleans out your infection, you are to have no relations whatsoever! Pausing for a moment, blonde replied: Ok, but what about friends & neighbors?

• A French in a hotel in NY, phoned room service for some pepper. Attendant: Black pepper or white pepper? French: Toilette pepper!

• A history professor and a psychology professor were sitting on a deck at a nudist colony. The history professor asked the psychology professor, “Have you read Marx?” The psychology professor replied, “Yes, I think they are from the wicker chairs.”

• We sleep in separate rooms, we have dinner apart, we take separate vacations. we’re doing everything we can to keep our marriage together.

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Funny Old Woman Clean Joke Of The Day: The Fourth Marriage

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An 80 year old lady was being interviewed by the local news station because she had just gotten married – for the fourth time.

The interviewer asked her questions about her life, about what it felt like to be marrying again at 80,..

and then about her new husband’s occupation.

“He’s a funeral director,” she answered.

“Interesting,” the newsman thought.

He then asked her if she wouldn’t mind telling him a little about her first three husbands and what they did for a living.

She paused for a few moments, needing time to reflect on all those years.

After a short time, a smile came to her face and she answered proudly,

explaining that she’d first married a banker when she was in her early 20’s,

then a circus ringmaster when in her 40’s,

later on a preacher when in her 60’s,

and now in her 80’s, a funeral director.

The interview looked at her, quite astonished, and asked her why she had married four men with such diverse careers.

She smiled and explained

* * * * * * * *

“I married one for the money, two for the show, three to get ready, and four to go.”

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Funny Clean Courtroom Joke Of The Day: Innocent Accused?

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A man accused of theft was appearing before the Judge.

“Your Honor,” his lawyer said,

“I feel it is very unfair for my client to be accused of robbery.

He is an illegal immigrant, has just arrived in America and is guest in our city.

Unable to find his way he roams all around curiously.

He came to this country with knowledge of only a few words of our great English,

which pertains to his livelihood skills back from his mother country.”

The irritant Judge looked in disgust at the defendant and asked,

“How much English do you speak?”

The lawyer translated that to the defendant, defendant looked the judge in the eyes and replied,

* * * * *

“Give me your wallet!”

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Simple Clean Comedy Joke Of The Day: The Plumber On Run

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A man knocked the door of house.

The lady opened the door.

The man said, “I am the here on the run, to fix your leaky pipe.”

The Lady said, “We don’t have any leaky pipe here.”

The plumber on run, says,

“My note reads, your house called for a Plumbing Emergency, address looks exact, Aren’t you Mrs. Smith?”

The Lady says, “No, Smiths moved away about a year back from this house. We are Johnson.”

The plumber grimaces,

* * * * * * * *

“What kind of people are they, Calls for an Emergency repair and then move away.”

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