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Guy goes to hell

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Guy goes to hell

He meets Satan who tells him “Hey bud! Ya’ know what? I feel generous today, so you get to choose your own damnation!” “Cool”, says the man. Satan takes him to the first chamber. In there the man sees his worst memory being played to him over and over eternally. He shivers. Satan takes him to the next chamber. In there, the man sees a guy being poked with a hot pitchfork over and over eternally. The man cringes. Then, Satan takes him to the third chamber. In there, the man sees some guy getting a blowjob from a very beautiful woman. The man lights up. “Well”, Satan says, “Which room will it be?” “The third room, is that for real? I get that forever, no catches or changes?” Asks the man. “That’s right” says Satan, “You get that for all eternity, no catches or changes.” The man thinks for a second. “I pick room 3.” “3 it is, then.” Satan responds. He then walks up to the woman, taps her on the shoulder, and says “You’re free to go now, I’ve found your replacement.”

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A man’s walking home late at night when he sees a woman in the shadows.

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A man’s walking home late at night when he sees a woman in the shadows.

A man’s walking home late at night when he sees a woman in the shadows.

“Twenty bucks,” she says.

He’s never been with a hooker before, but he decides what the hell. They’re going at it for a minute when all of a sudden a light flashes on them… it’s a police officer.

“What’s going on here, people?” asks the officer.

“I’m making love to my wife,” the man answers indignantly.

“Oh, I’m sorry,” says the cop, “I didn’t know.”

“Well,” said the man, “neither did I until you shined that light in her face.”

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How to get free groceries

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How to get free groceries

So the other day I was at Walmart. This lady said to me that I looked like her dead son. I felt pretty wierd about it but kept shopping, right as i was about to checkout I saw her again and she said that I really looked like her son and if it didn’t mean much “can you give me a hug and say I love you mom, since he has bean dead for 2 years. Well it was mothers day so I was feeling bad and decided why not after all it is mother’s day. So I gave a hug said I love you mom then she went in line in front of me. When I checked out the cashier said your total is 263.87$ I WAS CONFUSED I ONLY BOUGHT POKÉMON CARDS AND SOME RAHMAN NOODLES!!!

I asked why and she said that “my mom said I was paying for her” I was mad so i left my stuff and ran to the parking lot to go find her. I did she was ignoring me so i when she got in her car i opened the driver side door and started pulling on her leg I SHIT YOU NOT the leg was wooden and fell off. So i pulled the other leg, but i didn’t pull it harder then i was pulling yours.

Edit:so i am at the understanding of the comments that i cant type grammer so please correct me in the reply thingies

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So my mom decided to sell her house, but she’d always promised she’d get the boulder out of her front yard.

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So my mom decided to sell her house, but she’d always promised she’d get the boulder out of her front yard.

It was an eyesore, but she couldn’t handle it herself. I was still in college, so on a long weekend, I loaded all the guys I could in my car, drove the 11 hours home. We borrowed a truck, backed it right up, and tried to lift it. We couldn’t move it.

So I called in all the old high school friends I could reach. It still wouldn’t budge.

So we get scientific, try to wedge a metal beam from the garage under it, and slip an old tool chest in as a fulcrum, hoping to pry it loose. The beam bends, and the tool chest actually snaps.

By now, it’s been a few hours, most of the group is ready to give up, and the pizza and drinks I’d offered and running out, when I see Nate pull in next door. He was our neighbor’s son, rarely showed up to visit her, but felt like a godsend at that moment.

I convinced myself one more man would make a difference, which seems a little less crazy when you know Nate. He’s 6’8″, and pure muscle. He holds back when shaking hands so he doesn’t hurt people, and still feels like he’s going to crush you hand. He grabbed me by the arm to pull me out of the way of a speeding car once, and they had to put the arm in a cast, because his grip broke it. Saved my life at least. Plus, Nate is a landscaper, and I figured he might have trick to help us.

So I thought with everyone and Nate, we got this. I ask Nate for help with the boulder, start waving everyone else over. Only Nate doesn’t wait for us. He just grabs the boulder and pops it up into the truck.

And that’s how I learned a valuable lesson: better Nate than lever.

°°°°°°°°°

I’ve seen the punchline here a few times, but never caught it with this set up, so thought I’d share, as it was my dad’s second favorite joke, only beat out by the string joke, which I have seen here plenty. Have a Happy Father’s Day.

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