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I just made this one up. Promise!

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I just made this one up. Promise!

Sunny day. Penguin driving down the road. Hears a thump thump from wheel.

Pulls into garage. Take a look at this please.

Ok. Will take a few mins. Go for a walk Penguin.

Sunny day. Penguin get an ice cream. Waddles around. Bit of window shopping.

Goes back to garage. What’s the story with vehicle garage man? Penguin family at home. Need to go back and take turn on egg.

Well it looks like you blew a seal…

No way man. It’s just it’s just ice cream. Furiously cleans mouth. …

Cue laughter and cheers …..

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How to get free groceries

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How to get free groceries

So the other day I was at Walmart. This lady said to me that I looked like her dead son. I felt pretty wierd about it but kept shopping, right as i was about to checkout I saw her again and she said that I really looked like her son and if it didn’t mean much “can you give me a hug and say I love you mom, since he has bean dead for 2 years. Well it was mothers day so I was feeling bad and decided why not after all it is mother’s day. So I gave a hug said I love you mom then she went in line in front of me. When I checked out the cashier said your total is 263.87$ I WAS CONFUSED I ONLY BOUGHT POKÉMON CARDS AND SOME RAHMAN NOODLES!!!

I asked why and she said that “my mom said I was paying for her” I was mad so i left my stuff and ran to the parking lot to go find her. I did she was ignoring me so i when she got in her car i opened the driver side door and started pulling on her leg I SHIT YOU NOT the leg was wooden and fell off. So i pulled the other leg, but i didn’t pull it harder then i was pulling yours.

Edit:so i am at the understanding of the comments that i cant type grammer so please correct me in the reply thingies

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So my mom decided to sell her house, but she’d always promised she’d get the boulder out of her front yard.

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So my mom decided to sell her house, but she’d always promised she’d get the boulder out of her front yard.

It was an eyesore, but she couldn’t handle it herself. I was still in college, so on a long weekend, I loaded all the guys I could in my car, drove the 11 hours home. We borrowed a truck, backed it right up, and tried to lift it. We couldn’t move it.

So I called in all the old high school friends I could reach. It still wouldn’t budge.

So we get scientific, try to wedge a metal beam from the garage under it, and slip an old tool chest in as a fulcrum, hoping to pry it loose. The beam bends, and the tool chest actually snaps.

By now, it’s been a few hours, most of the group is ready to give up, and the pizza and drinks I’d offered and running out, when I see Nate pull in next door. He was our neighbor’s son, rarely showed up to visit her, but felt like a godsend at that moment.

I convinced myself one more man would make a difference, which seems a little less crazy when you know Nate. He’s 6’8″, and pure muscle. He holds back when shaking hands so he doesn’t hurt people, and still feels like he’s going to crush you hand. He grabbed me by the arm to pull me out of the way of a speeding car once, and they had to put the arm in a cast, because his grip broke it. Saved my life at least. Plus, Nate is a landscaper, and I figured he might have trick to help us.

So I thought with everyone and Nate, we got this. I ask Nate for help with the boulder, start waving everyone else over. Only Nate doesn’t wait for us. He just grabs the boulder and pops it up into the truck.

And that’s how I learned a valuable lesson: better Nate than lever.

°°°°°°°°°

I’ve seen the punchline here a few times, but never caught it with this set up, so thought I’d share, as it was my dad’s second favorite joke, only beat out by the string joke, which I have seen here plenty. Have a Happy Father’s Day.

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A woman had twin boys

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A woman had twin boys

Unfortunately, she was unable to keep them, so she put them up for adoption. She was able to find loving homes for both of them overseas, but it was many years since she had seen them.

Then, just before their 21st birthday she got two letters, one from Egypt, the other from Spain. Each son had tracked down their biological mother and wanted to visit her.

She was overjoyed; she would finally see her identical twin sons! Jamal from Egypt, and Juan from Spain! Just before they were to come to visit, though, the woman got another letter from Egypt. Unfortunately due to unseen circumstances, her son from Egypt was unable to visit that year.

She still got to see her son from Spain, though. So her husband tried to console her, saying “Once you’ve seen Juan, you’ve seen Jamal.”

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