Connect with us

Clean Jokes

Joe decided on surgery to remedy his headaches

Published

on

Joe had suffered from really bad headaches for the last 20 years.

He eventually decides to go and see a Doctor.

The Doctor says, ‘Joe, the good news is I can cure your headaches.

The bad news is that it will require removing your testicles.

You have a very rare condition, which causes your testicles to press on your spine and the pressure creates one hell of a headache.

The only way to relieve the pressure is to remove the testicles.’

Joe is shocked and depressed. He wondered if he had anything to live for.

He had no choice but to go under the knife. The surgery cost him £15,000.

When he left the hospital, he was without a headache for the first time in 20 years, but he felt like he was missing an important part of himself.

As he walked down the street, he realized that he felt like a different person. He could make a new beginning and live a new life.

He saw a Men’s clothing store and thought, ‘That’s what I need… A new Suit.’

He entered the shop and told the salesman, ‘I’d like a new Suit.’

The elderly Tailor eyed him briefly and said, ‘Let’s see… size 44 would fit fine.

Joe laughed, ‘That’s right, how did you know?’

‘Been in the business 60 years sir!’ the tailor said.

Joe tried on the suit it fitted perfectly.

As Joe admired himself in the mirror, the salesman asked, ‘How about a new shirt?’

Joe thought for a moment and then said, ‘Sure.’

The salesman eyed Joe and said, ‘Let’s see, 34 sleeves and 16-1/2 neck.’

Joe was surprised, ‘That’s right, how did you know?’

‘Been in the business 60 years sir.’

Joe tried the shirt and it fitted perfectly.

Joe walked comfortably around the shop and the salesman asked, ‘How about some new Underwear?’

Joe thought for a moment and said, ‘Sure..’

The salesman said, ‘Let’s see….. size 36.

Joe laughed, ‘Ah ha! You got it wrong this time! I’ve worn size 34 since I was 18 years old..’

The salesman shook his head, ‘You can’t wear a size 34 sir. A size 34 would press your Testicles up against the base of your spine and give you hell of a Headache.’

Clean Jokes

She Goes To Buy A Fishing Rod And Is Amazed By The Sales Assistant

Published

on

A woman goes into Bass Pro Shop to buy a fishing rod for her son’s birthday. She doesn’t know which one to get so she just grabs one and goes over to the counter. A sales assistant is standing there in dark shades.

She says, “Excuse me, could you tell me anything about this rod and reel?”

He says “Ma’am, I’m completely blind, but if you drop it on the counter I can tell you everything from the sound it makes.”

She doesn’t believe him but she drops it on the counter anyways.

He says, “That’s a six-foot Shakespeare graphite rod with Zebco 404 reel and 10 lb. test line. It’s a good all around combination and it’s on sale this week for only $20.00.”

She says, “It’s amazing you can tell all that just by the sound of it dropping on the counter. I’ll take it!” As she open her purse her credit card falls on the floor.

“Oh that sounds like a Master Card”, he says.

She bends down to pick it up and accidentally farts. At first she is embarrassed, but then realizes there is no way for the blind clerk to know she was the one who farted. Being blind he wouldn’t know she was the only one around.

The man rings up the fishing rod and says, “That’ll be $34.50 please.”

The woman is totally confused by this and asks, “Didn’t you tell me the rod and reel were on sale for $20.00? How did you get $34.50?”

He replies, “Yes ma’am, the rod and reel are $20.00. But the duck call is $11.00 and the bear repellent is $3.50.”

Continue Reading

Clean Jokes

The Kid Wanted A Job – His Boss Was Shocked

Published

on

A young guy from West Virginia moves to Florida and goes to a big “everything under one roof” department store looking for a job.

The Manager says, “Do you have any sales experience?”

The kid says “Yeah. I was a vacuum salesman back in West Virginia .”

Well, the boss was unsure, but he liked the kid and figured he’d give him a shot, so he gave him the job. “You start tomorrow. I’ll come down after we close and see how you did.”

His first day on the job was rough, but he got through it. After the store was locked up, the boss came down to the sales floor. “How many customers bought something from you today?”

The kid frowns and looks at the floor and mutters, “One”.

The boss says, “Just one?!!? Our sales people average sales to 20 to 30 customers a day. That will have to change, and soon, if you’d like to continue your employment here. We have very strict standards for our sales force here in Florida. One sale a day might have been acceptable in West Virginia, but you’re not in the mines anymore, son.”

The kid took his beating, but continued to look at his shoes, so the boss felt kinda bad for chewing him out on his first day. He asked (semi-sarcastically), “So, how much was your one sale for?”

The kid looks up at his boss and says, “$101,237.65”.

The boss, astonished, says, “$101,237.65?!? What the heck did you sell?”

The kid says, “Well, first, I sold him some new fish hooks. Then I sold him a new fishing rod to go with his new hooks. Then I asked him where he was going fishing and he said down the coast, so I told him he was going to need a boat, so we went down to the boat department and I sold him a twin engine Chris Craft. Then he said he didn’t think his Honda Civic would pull it, so I took him down to the automotive department and sold him that 4×4 Expedition.”

The boss said, “A guy came in here to buy a fish hook and you sold him a boat and a TRUCK!?”

The kid said, “No, the guy came in here to buy tampons for his wife, and I said, “Dude, your weekend is shot, perhaps you should go fishing”.

Continue Reading

Clean Jokes

The Husband Goes To Report His Missing Wife

Published

on

Husband: My wife is missing. She went shopping yesterday and has not come home!

Officer: Age?

Husband: I’m not sure. Somewhere between 50 and 60. We don’t do birthdays.

Officer: Height?

Husband: I’m not sure. A little over five-feet tall.

OFFICER : Weight?

Husband: Don’t know. Not slim, not really fat.

OFFICER : Color of eyes?

Husband: Sort of brown I think Never really noticed.

OFFICER : Color of hair?

Husband: Changes a couple times a year. Maybe dark brown now. I can’t remember.

OFFICER : What was she wearing?

Husband: Could have been pants, or maybe a skirt or shorts. I don’t know exactly.

OFFICER : What kind of car did she go in?

Husband: She went in my truck.

OFFICER : What kind of truck was it?

Husband : A 2017, manufactured September 16th, pearl white Ram Limited 4X4 with a 6.4l Hemi V8 engine ordered with the Ram Box bar and fridge option, led lighting, back up and front camera, Moose hide leather heated and cooled seats, climate controlled air conditioning.

It has a custom matching white cover for the bed, Weather Tech floor mats. Trailing package with gold hitch, sunroof, DVD with full GPS navigation, satellite radio, Cobra 75 WX ST 40-channel CB radio, six cup holders, 3 USB ports, and 4 power outlets. I added special alloy wheels and off-road Toyo tires. It has custom retracting running boards and under-glow wheel well lighting.

At this point the husband started choking up.

OFFICER : Take it easy sir, We’ll find your truck

Continue Reading

Trending