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Naughty Funny New Marriage Joke Of The Day: Good Husband

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In a small town in the old country the Rabbi died.

His widow, the Rebbetzin, was so disconsolate that the people of the town decided that she ought to get married again.

But the town was so small that the only eligible bachelor was the town butcher.

The poor Rebbetzin was somewhat dismayed because she had been wed to a scholar, and the butcher had no great formal education.

However, she agreed and they were married.

After the marriage Friday came.

They went to the Mikva.

Then home to prepare to light the candles.

The butcher leaned over to her and said,

“My mother told me that after the Mikva and before lighting the candles, it’s a mitzvah to have sex.”

So they did. She lit the candles. He leaned over again and said,

“My father told me that after lighting the candles it’s good to have sex.”

So they did. They went to bed after prayers to get ready for Shabbos.

When they awoke he said to her,

“My grandmother said that before you go to the synagogue it’s a mitzvah to have sex.”

So they did. After praying all day, they came home to rest, and again he whispers in her ear,

“My grandfather says after praying it’s a mitzvah to have sex.”

So they did. On Sunday she goes out to shop for food and meets a friend who asks,

“So how is the new husband?”

She replies,

* * * * * * * * *

“Well, he is no scholar, but he comes from a wonderful family.”

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Naughty Office Joke Of The Day: Dad, Secretary & Little Daughter

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Joke Title: Doll

A man comes home with his little daughter,

whom he has just taken to work.

The little girl asks,

“I saw you in your office with your secretary.

Why do you call her a doll?”

Feeling his wife’s gaze upon him, the man explains,

“Well, honey, my secretary is a very hard-working girl.

She types like you wouldn’t believe,

she knows the computer system and is very efficient.”

“Oh,” says the little girl,

* * * * * * *

“I thought it was because she closed her eyes when you lay her down on the couch.”

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Simple Clean Joke Of The Day: Two Lawyer Friends Playing Golf

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Joke Title: Oh, Those Darn Lawyers

Two lawyers, Jon and Ethan, head out for their usual 9 holes of golf.

Jon offers Ethan a $50 bet.

Ethan agrees and they’re off.

They shoot a great game.

After the 8th hole, Ethan is ahead by one stroke, but cuts his ball into the rough on the 9th.

“Help me find my ball. Look over there,” he says to Jon.

After a few minutes, neither has any luck.

Since a lost ball carries a four point penalty, Ethan secretly pulls a ball from his pocket and tosses it to the ground.

“I’ve found my ball!” he announces.

“After all of the years we’ve been partners and playing together,”

Jon says, “you’d cheat me out of a lousy 50 bucks?”

“What do you mean, cheat? I found my ball sitting right there!”

“And you’re a liar, too!” Jon says.

* * * * * * *

“I’ll have you know I’ve been STANDING on your ball for the last five minutes!”

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20+ Clean & Short Good Humor Jokes: Best English Comedy

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Wonderful coffee

Customer to waiter: Everyday you charge me money for a cup of coffee.

It will be wonderful if you serve me coffee free of cost today.

Waiter: Sir, everyday you drink coffee from a filled cup.

It will be wonderful if you drink it from an empty cup today.

Doctor’s promise

“Doctor, are you sure I’m suffering from pneumonia?

I’ve heard once about a doctor treating someone with pneumonia and finally he died of typhus.”

“Don’t worry, it won’t happen to you.

If I treat someone with pneumonia he will die of pneumonia only.”

Dentist’s thinking

Patient: “It must be tough spending all day with your hands in someone’s mouth.”

Dentist: “I just think of it as having my hands in their wallet.”

In safe hands

Patient: Doctor I heard 10 percent of the total patients undergoing this surgery die.

Doctor: Don’t worry man, those 10 percent patients operated by me are already dead.

Now it’s the turn of the 90 percent survivors.

Tit for tat

My old aunts would come and tease me at weddings,

“Well Sarah? Do you think you’ll be next?”

We’ve settled this quickly once I’ve started doing the same to them at funerals.

In a hurry

A man asks a farmer near a field,

“Sorry sir, would you mind if I crossed your field instead of going around it?

You see, I have to catch the 4:23 train.”

The farmer says,

“Sure, go right ahead. And if my bull sees you, you’ll even catch the 4:11 one.”

Surprise visit

A woman comes home late in the night and goes quietly in the bedroom.

To her surprise, she sees male and female feet peeking out from under the blanket.

Shocked and raging, she gets her baseball bat and beats and beats until all movement stops.

After that she goes into the living room and sees her husband laying on the sofa.

He turns to her half asleep:

“Oh, you’re home, darling. I’m afraid we have to sleep here tonight, My parents came for a surprise visit.”

Dream

I dreamed I was forced to eat a giant marshmallow.

When I woke up, my pillow was gone.

Kind old woman

An old grandma brings a bus driver a bag of peanuts every day.

First the bus driver enjoyed the peanuts but after a week of eating them he asks:

“Please granny, don’t bring me peanuts anymore. Have them yourself.”.

The granny answers: “You know, I don’t have teeth anymore. I just prefer to suck the chocolate around them.”

Dangerous

What is dangerous?

– –

Sneezing while having diarrhea!

Igloo

An eskimo brings his friend to his home for a visit.

When they arrive, his friend asks, puzzled –

“So where’s your igloo?” –

The friend replies

“Oh no, I must’ve left the iron on…”

Job interview

At an interview:

“In the beginning, you’ll be earning 20000, later on it can go up to 40000.”

“OK, I’ll come again later then.”

Difference

What’s the difference between, BOOM! Aaaaargh! And Aaaaaargh! BOOM!?

– –

The difference is whether you’re falling from the 1st or the 10th floor.

Responsible

I have a very good feeling about my job interview today.

The manager said they were looking for somebody responsible. –

“You’ve found your man,” I responded,

“Whenever there was a problem in my last job, they always said that I was responsible!”

Adoption

Father: “Son, you were adopted.”

Son: “What?! I knew it! I want to meet my biological parents!”

Father: “We are your biological parents. Now pack up, the new ones will pick you up in 20 minutes.”

Seminar

The police stop an old guy in questionable condition at 1 am.

“What are you doing out so late, sir?” asks the police officer.

“I’m going to a seminar on ‘The harmful effects of alcohol’,” replies the man.

“Are you pulling my leg or something?!” says the police officer,

“Who would hold a seminar like that at this hour?!”

The man sighs, “My wife.”

Super powers

Peter comes very drunk home late at night.

He wakes his sleeping wife: “Emily wake up! You know what just happened!?”

“No”, she replies sleepily.

“I went to the toilet and the light switched on all by itself. And when I went out of there, the light switched off again without me having to do anything. I think I’m getting super powers!”

Emily replies groans: “Oh no, Peter! You pig, you just peed into the fridge again!!!”

Desire

A man well into his seventies asks his wife:

“Mary, doesn’t it make you sad when you see me running after those young girls sometimes?”

“Not in the least, Peter,” replies Mary,

“our dog chases cars all the time and there’s also no chance he could manage to drive one!”

The Perfect Son.

A: I have the perfect son. B: Does he smoke? A: No, he doesn’t.

B: Does he drink whiskey? A: No, he doesn’t.

B: Does he ever come home late? A: No, he doesn’t.

B: I guess you really do have the perfect son. How old is he? A: He will be six months old next Wednesday.

Idiot

Son: Dad, what is an idiot?

Dad: An idiot is a person who tries to explain his ideas in such a strange and long way that another person who is listening to him can’t understand him. Do you understand me?

Son: No.

Picnic

Once there were three turtles. One day they decided to go on a picnic.

When they got there, they realized they had forgotten the soda.

The youngest turtle said he would go home and get it if they wouldn’t eat the sandwiches until he got back.

A week went by, then a month, finally a year, when the two turtles said,

“oh, come on, let’s eat the sandwiches.”

Suddenly the little turtle popped up from behind a rock and said, “If you do, I won’t go!”

Good news

A man receives a phone call from his doctor.

The doctor says, “I have some good news and some bad news.”

The man says, “OK, give me the good news first.”

The doctor says, “The good news is, you have 24 hours to live.”

The man replies, “Oh no! If that’s the good news, then what’s the bad news?”

The doctor says, “The bad news is, I forgot to call you yesterday.”

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