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Santa Banta Best New Jokes Collection: Funnyly Desi Comedy

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Santa: I tried ur number so many times, it always said ‘Switched Off’!”

Banta: Nooo, it’s my HELLO TUNE!

Daku Mangal Singh Banta ke ghar mein ghusa aur bola: Sona kahan hai, jaldi bataao.

Banta: Pura ghar khali hai malko, jithe marzi so jao!

Santa to Jeeto: Kaisi sabzi banai hai, bilkul Gobar jaisa swad hai.

Jeeto, maatha peet te hue: Hey bhagwan! Na jane inhone kya-kya kha ke dekha hua hai.

A crow shits on Banta. Preeto gives tissue paper to him.

Banta: Koi phayda nahin, kauwa toh ud gaya!

Banta: Jab main paida hua tha to military walon ne 21 topein chalayeen thi.

Santa: Kamaal hai! Sab ka nishana chook gaya?

Santa meets his old friend.

Santa: A & B, A & B, A & B, A & B, A & B.

Friend: Oye, iska matlab?

Santa: Kuch nahin yaar, I mean long time no C.

Santa: Drinking n driving dono nalo naal nai ho sakde.

Banta: KYO?

Santa: Je speed breaker aa gaya taa peg dul jau.

Phone ki ring baji. Santa: Phone mere liye ho to kehna mein ghar pe nahin hoon.

Jeeto phone pe: Wo ghar pe hain.

Santa: Maine mana kiya that…

Jeeto: Phone mere liye tha!

Santa to Doc: Apne nurse bahut achchi rakhi hai, uska haath lagtey hi mein theek ho gaya.

Doc: Jaanta hoon, thappad ki awaaz mujhe bhi sunai di thi.

Santa was writing the passive voice of ‘I made a mistake.’

He wrote: I was made by a mistake.

Santa: Oh yaar main badi mushkil mein hoon. Meri biwi mujhse ek pappi ka Ek rupeya leti hai.

Banta: Oh yaar tu lucky hai, auron se to woh 5 rupye leti hai.

Santa to Banta: Main apna purse ghar bhool aaya, mainu 1000 Rs chahide si.

Banta: Dost hi dost de kam aunda hai, le 10 Rs, riksha kar te purse le aa.

Banta: Wo ladki deaf lagti hai. Main kuch kehta hoon, woh kuch aur hi bolti hai.

Santa: Kaise?

Banta: Maine kaha I Luv U, to woh boli ‘Maine kal hi Naye Sandal kharide hain’

Santa ne Airtel ke office me phone kiya,

Santa: Mere phone ka bill bahut jyada aya hai,

Itni to mene baat bhi nahi ki hai.

Banta (Airtel Se): Accha apka plan kya hai?

Santa: Abhi to market aya hua hu,

Sham ko daru piunga… aap apna plan bataiye..

Banta Behosh

Santa: Bhai aaj to gazab ho gaya.

Banta: Lottery lag gyi kya paji?

Santa: Oye nahi, me bus me baitha tha, tabhi ek aadmi aaya aur sale ne phone me rashtrgaan chala diya.

Banta: fir?

Santa: Fir kya rashtrgaan sunte hi me khada ho gya aur,.. wo kamina meri seat par baith gya.

Santa Raat ko girlfriend se milne gaya,

Jaise hi darwaja khatkhtaya.

Sapna: kaun hai?

Santa: me hu.

Sapna: me kaun?

Santa: are ullu ki patthi, tu sapna aur kaun.

Santa: kal meri shaadi hai aur ladki walo ne kam log bulaye hai.

Banta: to isme problem kya hai?

Santa: pata nahi papa mujhe le jaynge ya nahi.

Santa: agar Bijli nahi hota to kya hota?

Banta: raat mein candle light mein TV dekhna padta.

Driver: Sir, Car ka Poora petrol khatam ho gayi hai, ab aage nahi bad sakte.

Santa: Koi baat nahi, Car reverse (back Gear) lo aur ghar vaapas chalo.

Madam: oxygen is important for all living creatures because,…

It is important for our cells to survive. It was discovered in 1773.

Santa: baap re bach gaya!! agar usse pehle paida hota to main mar jaata.

Boss: tumhe MS office pata hai?

Santa: agar address denge to main doond looonga sir.

Autowaala: sorry sir, meter daalna bhool gaya.

Santa: problem nahi hai. main bhi apna purse bhool aaya,… chodo.

Santa : Aaj papa ne pitayi kar di.

Banta : Kyun?

Santa : Meine to sirf itna pucha “KAMINE” film dekhne chal rahe ho ya ghar pe hi “BLUE” film dekhoge.

Raat ke 2 baje santa ke number par phone aaya: Hello yaha Fatima Mehfooz rehti hai kya?

Santa : Kutte itni raat ko Fatima mere paas hoti to mehfooz rehti kya?

Santa (Police station ja kar bola): mujhe phone par dhamaki mil rahi hai.

Inspector: kaun de raha hai?

Santa – BSNL vaale. kahate hain, Bill nahin bhara to “kaat” denge.

SANTA:Lalaji dettol soap hai,

Lala:ha,

Santa:acha vala hai,

Lala:ha,

Santa: achi quality ka hai,

Lala:ha bhai ha,

Santa: thik hai hath dhokr 1kg aata do.

Teacher Santa Se: Dahi Ka English Bataao….?

Santa: Milk Sleeping In The Night And Savere Savere Tight…..!!!

Teacher: 2+3=5 aur 5+2=7, ab tum bataao 70+5=? kitna hua?

Santa: Kya sir? aasaan sawaalo ka jaavaab aap de diye aur mushkil savaal mujhse kar rahe ho.

Santa aur Banta 8th mein aathvi Baar Fail Ho gaye.

Santa: Chal Suicide kar le.

Banta: Saale, Pagal Ho Gaya Hai??

Agle janam Fir NURSERY se shuru karna padega?

Santa: Maine Pichle 20 Saalo Me 1 Baat Note Ki Hai!!

Banta: Wo Kya?

Santa: Saala Jab Bhi Faatak Band Hota Hai,… Tab Train Jaroor Aati Hai.

Santa student: Miss, kya aap mujhe raat ko call kar rahi thi??

Teacher: Nahi toh…

Santa: Kamaal hai, subah mere mobile pe likha tha…

MISS CALL..

Santa apne wife ko doctor ke pass le gaya.

Doctor: kaya huwa?

Santa: Doctor meri wife 16 GB ka memory card Nigal gayi hai tabhi se gane ga rahi hai…

Doctor: Koi baat nahi saab thik ho jayega.

Santa: Mai to ye soch kar paresan hu ki video folder par Pahuchegi to kaya hoga?

Jokes

I saw a man sitting alone in the park one day…

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I saw a man sitting alone in the park one day…

and I noticed how in his hand he held a one hundred dollar bill.

Interesting, I thought. I wouldn’t wave that much money around in the open. But that’s when I saw him reaching into a bag and pulling out a pair of scissors. As he moved the scissors towards the bill I got worried and yelled out

“Hey, man! What are you doing? You shouldn’t be wasting money like that!”

The man stopped what he was doing and looked at me. And with the saddest eyes he said

“I-I’m sorry. It’s… it’s just that I fell on hard times and… I’ve had to start cutting corners.”

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Jokes

A meteor exploded as it flew narrowly by Earth..

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A meteor exploded as it flew narrowly by Earth..

Bolides streaked across the sky, peppering cities and deserts with smouldering fragments.

 

After addressing the inevitable loss of life, extensive property damage and the smashing of tens of thousands of mirrors, we gathered up the fragments from the craters where they lay. Scientists concluded that they were made from an ancient, inexplicable material and somehow.. alive.

 

We quickly understood, and prepared ourselves for the dialogs that were to follow. It took ten years before the first of them awoke and spoke to us. 

 

Ents, we called them. Otwoks, Groots, Old Men Willow. Names from the fairy-tales and games of old. Having spent much of their journey through the cold void of space in slumber, they had little to share with us in the ways of interstellar travel. Instead, they promised, they could offer us the fruits from their boughs, and the air-of-life where their leaves met the light of the yellow-sun. All they would need from us was a place where they and their ones-after could grow.

 

We agreed, and these talking-trees quickly found themselves in their new homes. Walled compounds, regularly irrigated, stretching for kilometres through the desert, alongside our solar-farms. Here, they would see the skies, moon and yellow-sun of our planet, the stars from whence they came, and nothing else. From time to time, we would enter and take what we were promised, and a bit more.

 

And so, as we cut them down, tear off their arms, scalp and flay them before throwing their raw, limbless, still-screaming bodies into hastily-refurbished furnaces, we can only wonder. Had they more to share with us, they could have taken part in the right kind of dialog.

 

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Jokes

Nelson Mandela is sitting at home one day when there’s a knock at the door,

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Nelson Mandela is sitting at home one day when there’s a knock at the door,

Mandela opens the door and there’s a Japanese man standing there, Mandela asks him what he wants and the Japanese guy says he has the cars for him. Mandela says he didn’t order any cars but the Japanese guy is insistent and points to the fully loaded car transporter outside. Mandela again, argues that he didn’t order any cars, the two continue arguing for some time until eventually the Japanese guy storms off to his truck to get the paperwork. He comes back waving the papers in Nelsons face, see he says “you are Nissan main dealer!”.

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