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The man gets to choose his hell

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A man dies and goes to hell.

Once there, he finds that there is a different hell for each country, so he tries to seek out the least painful one.

At the door to German Hell, he is told: “First they put you in an electric chair for an hour. Then they lay you on a bed of nails for another hour. Then the German devil comes in and whips you for the rest of the day.”

He does not like the sound of that, so he checks out American Hell, Russian Hell and many more. They are all similarly gruesome. However, at Nigerian Hell a long line of people is waiting to get in. Amazed, he asks, “What do they do here?”

He is told: “First they put you in an electric chair for an hour. Then they lay you on a bed of nails for another hour. Then the Nigerian devil comes in and whips you for the rest of the day.”

“But that’s the same as the others,” says the man. “Why are so many people waiting to get in?”

“Because of the power cuts, the electric chair does not work. The nails were paid for but never supplied, so the bed is comfortable. And the Nigerian devil used to be a civil servant, so he comes in, signs his time sheet and goes back home for private business.

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She Goes To Buy A Fishing Rod And Is Amazed By The Sales Assistant

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A woman goes into Bass Pro Shop to buy a fishing rod for her son’s birthday. She doesn’t know which one to get so she just grabs one and goes over to the counter. A sales assistant is standing there in dark shades.

She says, “Excuse me, could you tell me anything about this rod and reel?”

He says “Ma’am, I’m completely blind, but if you drop it on the counter I can tell you everything from the sound it makes.”

She doesn’t believe him but she drops it on the counter anyways.

He says, “That’s a six-foot Shakespeare graphite rod with Zebco 404 reel and 10 lb. test line. It’s a good all around combination and it’s on sale this week for only $20.00.”

She says, “It’s amazing you can tell all that just by the sound of it dropping on the counter. I’ll take it!” As she open her purse her credit card falls on the floor.

“Oh that sounds like a Master Card”, he says.

She bends down to pick it up and accidentally farts. At first she is embarrassed, but then realizes there is no way for the blind clerk to know she was the one who farted. Being blind he wouldn’t know she was the only one around.

The man rings up the fishing rod and says, “That’ll be $34.50 please.”

The woman is totally confused by this and asks, “Didn’t you tell me the rod and reel were on sale for $20.00? How did you get $34.50?”

He replies, “Yes ma’am, the rod and reel are $20.00. But the duck call is $11.00 and the bear repellent is $3.50.”

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The Kid Wanted A Job – His Boss Was Shocked

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A young guy from West Virginia moves to Florida and goes to a big “everything under one roof” department store looking for a job.

The Manager says, “Do you have any sales experience?”

The kid says “Yeah. I was a vacuum salesman back in West Virginia .”

Well, the boss was unsure, but he liked the kid and figured he’d give him a shot, so he gave him the job. “You start tomorrow. I’ll come down after we close and see how you did.”

His first day on the job was rough, but he got through it. After the store was locked up, the boss came down to the sales floor. “How many customers bought something from you today?”

The kid frowns and looks at the floor and mutters, “One”.

The boss says, “Just one?!!? Our sales people average sales to 20 to 30 customers a day. That will have to change, and soon, if you’d like to continue your employment here. We have very strict standards for our sales force here in Florida. One sale a day might have been acceptable in West Virginia, but you’re not in the mines anymore, son.”

The kid took his beating, but continued to look at his shoes, so the boss felt kinda bad for chewing him out on his first day. He asked (semi-sarcastically), “So, how much was your one sale for?”

The kid looks up at his boss and says, “$101,237.65”.

The boss, astonished, says, “$101,237.65?!? What the heck did you sell?”

The kid says, “Well, first, I sold him some new fish hooks. Then I sold him a new fishing rod to go with his new hooks. Then I asked him where he was going fishing and he said down the coast, so I told him he was going to need a boat, so we went down to the boat department and I sold him a twin engine Chris Craft. Then he said he didn’t think his Honda Civic would pull it, so I took him down to the automotive department and sold him that 4×4 Expedition.”

The boss said, “A guy came in here to buy a fish hook and you sold him a boat and a TRUCK!?”

The kid said, “No, the guy came in here to buy tampons for his wife, and I said, “Dude, your weekend is shot, perhaps you should go fishing”.

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The Husband Goes To Report His Missing Wife

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Husband: My wife is missing. She went shopping yesterday and has not come home!

Officer: Age?

Husband: I’m not sure. Somewhere between 50 and 60. We don’t do birthdays.

Officer: Height?

Husband: I’m not sure. A little over five-feet tall.

OFFICER : Weight?

Husband: Don’t know. Not slim, not really fat.

OFFICER : Color of eyes?

Husband: Sort of brown I think Never really noticed.

OFFICER : Color of hair?

Husband: Changes a couple times a year. Maybe dark brown now. I can’t remember.

OFFICER : What was she wearing?

Husband: Could have been pants, or maybe a skirt or shorts. I don’t know exactly.

OFFICER : What kind of car did she go in?

Husband: She went in my truck.

OFFICER : What kind of truck was it?

Husband : A 2017, manufactured September 16th, pearl white Ram Limited 4X4 with a 6.4l Hemi V8 engine ordered with the Ram Box bar and fridge option, led lighting, back up and front camera, Moose hide leather heated and cooled seats, climate controlled air conditioning.

It has a custom matching white cover for the bed, Weather Tech floor mats. Trailing package with gold hitch, sunroof, DVD with full GPS navigation, satellite radio, Cobra 75 WX ST 40-channel CB radio, six cup holders, 3 USB ports, and 4 power outlets. I added special alloy wheels and off-road Toyo tires. It has custom retracting running boards and under-glow wheel well lighting.

At this point the husband started choking up.

OFFICER : Take it easy sir, We’ll find your truck

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