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The Modern Magician

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The Modern Magician

A man and woman go to a magic show and the magician on stage says, “I challenge anyone in the audience that I can guess your name in 5 attempts or I’ll pay you $1000!” He holds aloft a handful of $100 bills.

Not being one to turn down a nice payday, the man jumps up and says “You’ll never guess my name!”

On a lark, the magician shouts “Rumpelstiltskin!” The audience chuckles and the man shakes his head.

The magician invites the man on stage and looks him up and down, noticing his jewelry, clothing, and the marks of years of hard labor in the calloused hands.

“With my remaining 4 guesses, I’ll go with… Thomas!”

The man looks at him in surprise and says “That’s my father’s name, and my oldest brother is a junior, but no, that’s not my name.”

“Timothy!”

“No, that’s my cousin, named after my grandfather.”

“Theodore!”

“Nope, not even close. Nobody in my family has that name.”

The magician calls on the audience, “Besides the lovely woman at this man’s table, can anyone out there give me a guess?”

Shouts of Robert, Steven, Lou, Fred, and dozens of names fly from the voices in the crowd. The magician shakes his head and waves to the audience to quiet down as he gives it a last try… slyly watching the man’s wife from the corner of his eye, in case she responds to any of the shouted names, but she’s a stern poker face and he gets nothing from her.

“Alright, for my final guess… Travis!”

The man smiles, looks the magician in the eye, and holds out his hand. Triumphant, the magician takes it and shakes his hand with delight, jolting across the stage in success, as the man looks at him and waves.

The magician says, “So your name IS Travis then?”

The man says, “No, I was holding out my hand for the Thousand bucks, not to shake yours.”

Shocked the magician asks, “But you’re wearing the letter “T” on that chain around your neck. Is that perhaps the first letter of your wife’s name? Or your last name?”

Now looking confused, the man says, “Letter “T?” and looks down at his crucifix. “No, my name is Harold Mason, and this is not a Letter “T” but my cross. Are you not a Christian, sir?”

The magician begins laughing hysterically and throws the wad of hundreds in the air, causing a mad dash from the front row audience members as he points to Harold and says, “Somebody call the loony bin! We got grown man who talks to invisible people in the sky!”

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Another two immigrants joke

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Another two immigrants joke

Two immigrants are on a ship heading to America.

One asks the other, “What is the first thing you are going to do when you get to America?”

The second one replies, “Since I am going to become an American the first thing I am going to do is eat American food to start the process.”

The first one agrees that this is a great idea and decides to join him.

The ship docks and they leave looking for ‘American’ food.

They see a hot dog cart and head right over. As they are walking away, the first one opens his wrapper and stares for a moment, then turns to the other and asks,

“So what part of the dog did you get?”

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A man dies and goes up to heaven

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A man dies and goes up to heaven

He arrives at the pearly gates and there’s god standing there on the other side of the gates to greet him. The man walks up to the gates but as he gets closer he can’t help but see that the people inside are driving all different kind of cars, a bit curious the man asks god

“Why is everyone driving a different car what’s the deal?”

God turns to him and says “Well depending on how faithful someone is during their marriage is how we decide what kind of car they get”

The man looks at god excitedly and asks “Okay so what kind of car will I be getting?”

God looks at him and says “Well from what I can see it looked like you were very faithful to your wife, so I think I’ll give you a BMW”

The man excitedly walks through the gate and jumps into his brand new BMW and drives away.

A few weeks pass and god is driving around just checking to see how everyone is going and he happens to come across the same man, but he’s sitting in the gutter crying his eyes out, so god hops out of his car and walks over to him and asks him what wrong.

The man replied “I saw my wife the other day”

To which god replies “That’s great to hear! Why are you crying though?”

The man replies “She was riding a skateboard”

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A rather virtuous young couple marry.

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A rather virtuous young couple marry.

The soon-to-be lovers fly immediately after the ceremony to Toronto for their Honeymoon. After a wet (or at least slightly damp) week on the Canadian side of the Falls, the couple returns and settles into their new life.

The following Saturday, the young bride meets her friends for lunch. The self- appointed mature one of the lot, a lady married a full two years prior, presses the newly deflowered woman for details.

“Well,” she finally admits, “It was nice enough, once I got over my embarrassment.”

“Embarrassed to see your whole man for the first time?” The older girl teases.

The bride swiftly shakes her head. “No, it’s just that we were stopped by security at the border, and they unpacked my whole bag in front of everyone.”

The other girls agree that this would be embarrassing.

“Well, then the condoms from my bag fell onto the ground,” she whispered.

The older girl spoke for them all, “Bless your heart! That would be awful.”

“That’s not the worst of it,” the girl continued. “After that, my husband got upset, and the security decided he was that he was being aggressive, took him into custody, and strip searched him!”

The other ladies looked stricken. Finally, one hugged the bride amongst murmers of “You poor thing!” “That would be mortifying!” and one or two more “Bless your heart!”s.

The girl nodded her thanks for the support, then continued “and thats when we got to the embarrassing bit. The border guys were polite through the whole thing, and kept apologizing during the strip search. But Aaron kept shouting “I’ll sue for that slander! Don’t you listen to them, Honey!”

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