The priest and half a lemon
[Translated from Hungarian, sorry for the grammatical errors]
There was once a priest who went to travel the world after taking his oath. After years of travelling he arrived in a little village far from civilization. The village didn’t have a church, the villagers went to the nearest town if they wanted to worship God, it was more than 25 kilometres away.
The priest sought the Church for monetary support and with help from the locals they built their own chuch. From there on, he was giving sermons and masses on Sunday, joining young couples in Holy Matrinomy, and giving prayers at funerals.
This went on for many years.
On an ordinary Sunday at the end of the mass, the priest was herding the people out of the church and he was ready to close the gates when a raggedy man approached him.
The raggedy man in his dirty and torn clothes stood before the priest and said this to him:
“Priest, please be good and give half a lemon” – said the man. The priest was a good man but he thought that the request was a bit odd. He went back inside, cut a lemon in half and gave it to the man.
The priest’s curiosity was peaked. The priest asked the ruggeddy man:
“My son, tell me, why do you need half a lemon?”
The man with horror on his face quickly took off before the priest was given an answer.
A week later the ruggedy man returned, and he met the priest at the same place. The ruggedy man said to the priest:
“Priest, please be good and give me half a lemon”
The priest was taken aback by the man and his strange request. The priest was good, so he went back inside, cut a lemon in half, and gave it to the stranger and immediatly asked:
“My son, tell me please, why do you need these lemons?” The strange man immediately took off, but the priest wasn’t giving up easy and he went after the stranger. The priest couldn’t keep up with the ruggedy man, because he wasn’t in the greatest condition, he almost fainted.
The priest hoped that the strange man would come back next week, so he could know why he needed those lemons.
The priest spent the next week running and training, so he could keep up with the strange man. Sure enough, the training paid off because the man was back on the next Sunday and asked the priest:
“Priest, please be good and give me half a lem-“
The priest didn’t even wait for him to finish his sentence he immediately gave half a lemon to the strange man.
“Thank you priest, you are good” – said the stranger. “Don’t even mention,my child, but tell me, why do you need all these lemons?”
The man ran away with terror in his eyes, but the priest was in pursuit of him. They were running for a long time when they reached a river. The stranger, without hesitation, leapt in to the river and swam to the other shore and ran away. The priest didn’t follow him because he couldn’t swim.
He went home fuming. The priest spent the next week taking swimming lessons in the nearest town’s swimming pool.
The next week at the same time the strange man arrived again.
“Priest, please be good and give half a lemon” The priest went in the back, put in his running shoes and swimming trunks and came out with half a lemon and gave it to the man.
“Here you go my son, but could you please tell why do you need it?”
The strange man quickly started running, they ran and ran and ran until they arrived at the river. The man quickly jumped into the river and swam across it, the priest was right behind him, those swimming lessons finally paid off!
They started to run again until they arrived at tall tree on the verge of a deep ravine. The man with cat like agility climbed the tall tree. The priest didn’t follow because he didn’t know how to climb trees. He went home cursing at everything.
He spent the next week climbing the tree in the churchyard much to the amusment of the villagers. Before Sunday’s mass he put on his swimming trunks and his swimming shorts. The priest was good and he even prepared the lemon and put it in his pocket.
The mass finished much earlier than usual, so he could warm up. As soon as he finished his warmup the strange man approached him yet again. The priest gave him the lemon immediately.
“My son, for God’s sake, tell me why do you need lemons?”
The man quickly ran off, the priest was right behind him. They ran to the river and swam across, ran to the ravine and climbed the tree. The priest almost caught him when the stranger grabbed a vine and swung across the ravine. The priest was about to have a brain aneurysm when saw another vine. He quickly grabbed it and swung across the deep ravine. When he got to the other side he suddenly encountered another unexpected obstacle. He arrived in a plane graveyard. The strange locked himself inside one of the grounded planes. The priest went around the plane multiple times but he couldn’t find a way inside. He was enraged.
Next week he spent everyday at the village’s locksmith, studying every method of opening a lock.
Next Sunday he held the mass in his swimming trunks, running shoes, on his back a waterproof backpack. In the backpack there was a crowbar, wrench, cutting torch, even lockpicks.
The strange man arrive yet again and asked for the same thing. The priest quickly gave it to him and grabbed his wrists, looked into his terrified eyes and asked him:
“What do you need these lemons for?”
The stranger started to panick and broke free from the priest. They raced to the river, swam across it, they ran to the ravine and swung across it, but the man locked himself inside another airplane. But the priest didn’t stop he quickly got all his tools out of his waterproof backpack and started to work on the lock. Not an hour passed he was inside of the plane. Inside, the ruggedy man was crouched in a corner with horror on his face and terror in his eyes.
The good priest crouched down next to him and kindly asked:
“Son. You have been asking for half a lemon for the last few weeks. I’m very happy to give it to you, even in the future, I am only asking in return that you tell me: why do you need it?”
“Alright priest” – said the strange man in a trembling voice – “I will tell you but please be good and don’t tell anyone”
The priest was good and didn’t tell anyone.
Bertha and Homer…
Bertha and Homer…
…were in their early 90s, both widowed, and were fairly active. One Sunday they ended up sitting next to each other in church. They struck up a conversation afterward, and decided to have lunch at the diner. They found that they really liked one another.
Every Sunday after that, they sat together in church and went to lunch afterward. A few months later, they decided to get married.
They took the bus a few towns over to stay in a hotel on their wedding night. Bertha went into the bathroom to freshen up, and Homer eagerly disrobed and got into bed.
She came out of the bathroom naked except for a towel around her waist, and walked toward the bed and her groom.
“There’s something I should tell you, Homer,” she said.
“What is it?,” he asked.
“I have acute angina,”
“Well that’s a good thing, ’cause them saggy titties ain’t doing a thing for me!
The purple joke
The purple joke
Obligatory apology for grammar and spelling
okay so this man is driving down a road late at night when his car breaks down, and his phone is dead so he decides to walk until he finds the first house he sees, so he walks and he walks until he reaches a purple cabin and so he walks up the purple driveway to the purple sidewalk and past the purple flowers up to the purple door and rings the purple doorbell, where a nice old lady wearing purple slippers and purple glasses, she asks “hi how may i help you” to which the man responds “ my car broke down can I borrow your phone”, and the nice old lady says “I’ll do ya one better you can stay the night” so she leads him down the purple hallway to the guest bedroom with the purple lamp, purple carpet, and purple drapes and he goes right to bed the next day he wakes up and walks past the purple couch to the purple kitchen where the lady offers him a nice breakfast she goes “I only have two options would u like the raisin bran or cheerips” the man says “you know I think I’ll have the raisin bran so he eats his breakfast with the purple spoon and he goes off on his merry way
Sometime goes by and a woman is driving down the road and her car breaks down and her phone is dead so she decides she’ll walk to the nearest cabin so she walks and she walks and finally she sees a purple tree and a purple mailbox and she walks up the purple driveway to the purple door and uses the purple door knocker and a sweet old lady wearing a purple nightgown answers the door she asks “hi how may i help you” to which the woman responds “ my car broke down can I borrow your phone”, and the nice old lady says “I’ll do ya one better you can stay the night” so the woman uses the purple phone and then the old lady leads her down the purple hallway past the purple clock to the guest bedroom with the purple walls, and the purple ceilings and purple pillows and the woman goes straight to bed the next day she wakes up and walks past the purple cat to the purple kitchen and the lady offers her a nice breakfast she goes “I only have two options would u like the raisin bran or cheerios” the woman says “you know I think I’ll have the cheerios so she eats her breakfast with the purple spoon and she goes off on his merry way
So some more time goes by and another man is driving down a road late at night when his car breaks down, and his phone is dead so he decides to walk until he finds the first house he sees, so he walks and he walks until he reaches the same purple cabin and so he walks up the purple driveway past a purple garden gnome to the purple door and rings the purple doorbell, a nice old lady answer the door with her purple clothing and her purple robe and she asks “hi how may i help you” to which the man responds “ my car broke down can I borrow your phone”, and the nice old lady says “I’ll do ya one better you can stay the night” so he uses the same purple phone and she leads him to the same purple room with the same purple nightstand purple bed and purple lamp, and he goes to bed the next day he wakes up and goes to the purple kitchen, where the lady offers him a nice breakfast in a purple bowl she says I can offer you cheerios or raisin bran “ and the man says “I’ll take the raisin bran please” he eats his food and is off on his merry way. And all this goes to show that 2 out of 3 people prefer raisin bran over cheerios
The Modern Magician
The Modern Magician
A man and woman go to a magic show and the magician on stage says, “I challenge anyone in the audience that I can guess your name in 5 attempts or I’ll pay you $1000!” He holds aloft a handful of $100 bills.
Not being one to turn down a nice payday, the man jumps up and says “You’ll never guess my name!”
On a lark, the magician shouts “Rumpelstiltskin!” The audience chuckles and the man shakes his head.
The magician invites the man on stage and looks him up and down, noticing his jewelry, clothing, and the marks of years of hard labor in the calloused hands.
“With my remaining 4 guesses, I’ll go with… Thomas!”
The man looks at him in surprise and says “That’s my father’s name, and my oldest brother is a junior, but no, that’s not my name.”
“No, that’s my cousin, named after my grandfather.”
“Nope, not even close. Nobody in my family has that name.”
The magician calls on the audience, “Besides the lovely woman at this man’s table, can anyone out there give me a guess?”
Shouts of Robert, Steven, Lou, Fred, and dozens of names fly from the voices in the crowd. The magician shakes his head and waves to the audience to quiet down as he gives it a last try… slyly watching the man’s wife from the corner of his eye, in case she responds to any of the shouted names, but she’s a stern poker face and he gets nothing from her.
“Alright, for my final guess… Travis!”
The man smiles, looks the magician in the eye, and holds out his hand. Triumphant, the magician takes it and shakes his hand with delight, jolting across the stage in success, as the man looks at him and waves.
The magician says, “So your name IS Travis then?”
The man says, “No, I was holding out my hand for the Thousand bucks, not to shake yours.”
Shocked the magician asks, “But you’re wearing the letter “T” on that chain around your neck. Is that perhaps the first letter of your wife’s name? Or your last name?”
Now looking confused, the man says, “Letter “T?” and looks down at his crucifix. “No, my name is Harold Mason, and this is not a Letter “T” but my cross. Are you not a Christian, sir?”
The magician begins laughing hysterically and throws the wad of hundreds in the air, causing a mad dash from the front row audience members as he points to Harold and says, “Somebody call the loony bin! We got grown man who talks to invisible people in the sky!”
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