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The priest and half a lemon



The priest and half a lemon

[Translated from Hungarian, sorry for the grammatical errors]

There was once a priest who went to travel the world after taking his oath. After years of travelling he arrived in a little village far from civilization. The village didn’t have a church, the villagers went to the nearest town if they wanted to worship God, it was more than 25 kilometres away.

The priest sought the Church for monetary support and with help from the locals they built their own chuch. From there on, he was giving sermons and masses on Sunday, joining young couples in Holy Matrinomy, and giving prayers at funerals.

This went on for many years.

On an ordinary Sunday at the end of the mass, the priest was herding the people out of the church and he was ready to close the gates when a raggedy man approached him.

The raggedy man in his dirty and torn clothes stood before the priest and said this to him:

“Priest, please be good and give half a lemon” – said the man. The priest was a good man but he thought that the request was a bit odd. He went back inside, cut a lemon in half and gave it to the man.

The priest’s curiosity was peaked. The priest asked the ruggeddy man:

“My son, tell me, why do you need half a lemon?”

The man with horror on his face quickly took off before the priest was given an answer.

A week later the ruggedy man returned, and he met the priest at the same place. The ruggedy man said to the priest:

“Priest, please be good and give me half a lemon”

The priest was taken aback by the man and his strange request. The priest was good, so he went back inside, cut a lemon in half, and gave it to the stranger and immediatly asked:

“My son, tell me please, why do you need these lemons?” The strange man immediately took off, but the priest wasn’t giving up easy and he went after the stranger. The priest couldn’t keep up with the ruggedy man, because he wasn’t in the greatest condition, he almost fainted.

The priest hoped that the strange man would come back next week, so he could know why he needed those lemons.

The priest spent the next week running and training, so he could keep up with the strange man. Sure enough, the training paid off because the man was back on the next Sunday and asked the priest:

“Priest, please be good and give me half a lem-“

The priest didn’t even wait for him to finish his sentence he immediately gave half a lemon to the strange man.

“Thank you priest, you are good” – said the stranger. “Don’t even mention,my child, but tell me, why do you need all these lemons?”

The man ran away with terror in his eyes, but the priest was in pursuit of him. They were running for a long time when they reached a river. The stranger, without hesitation, leapt in to the river and swam to the other shore and ran away. The priest didn’t follow him because he couldn’t swim.

He went home fuming. The priest spent the next week taking swimming lessons in the nearest town’s swimming pool.

The next week at the same time the strange man arrived again.

“Priest, please be good and give half a lemon” The priest went in the back, put in his running shoes and swimming trunks and came out with half a lemon and gave it to the man.

“Here you go my son, but could you please tell why do you need it?”

The strange man quickly started running, they ran and ran and ran until they arrived at the river. The man quickly jumped into the river and swam across it, the priest was right behind him, those swimming lessons finally paid off!

They started to run again until they arrived at tall tree on the verge of a deep ravine. The man with cat like agility climbed the tall tree. The priest didn’t follow because he didn’t know how to climb trees. He went home cursing at everything.

He spent the next week climbing the tree in the churchyard much to the amusment of the villagers. Before Sunday’s mass he put on his swimming trunks and his swimming shorts. The priest was good and he even prepared the lemon and put it in his pocket.

The mass finished much earlier than usual, so he could warm up. As soon as he finished his warmup the strange man approached him yet again. The priest gave him the lemon immediately.

“My son, for God’s sake, tell me why do you need lemons?”

The man quickly ran off, the priest was right behind him. They ran to the river and swam across, ran to the ravine and climbed the tree. The priest almost caught him when the stranger grabbed a vine and swung across the ravine. The priest was about to have a brain aneurysm when saw another vine. He quickly grabbed it and swung across the deep ravine. When he got to the other side he suddenly encountered another unexpected obstacle. He arrived in a plane graveyard. The strange locked himself inside one of the grounded planes. The priest went around the plane multiple times but he couldn’t find a way inside. He was enraged.

Next week he spent everyday at the village’s locksmith, studying every method of opening a lock.

Next Sunday he held the mass in his swimming trunks, running shoes, on his back a waterproof backpack. In the backpack there was a crowbar, wrench, cutting torch, even lockpicks.

The strange man arrive yet again and asked for the same thing. The priest quickly gave it to him and grabbed his wrists, looked into his terrified eyes and asked him:

“What do you need these lemons for?”

The stranger started to panick and broke free from the priest. They raced to the river, swam across it, they ran to the ravine and swung across it, but the man locked himself inside another airplane. But the priest didn’t stop he quickly got all his tools out of his waterproof backpack and started to work on the lock. Not an hour passed he was inside of the plane. Inside, the ruggedy man was crouched in a corner with horror on his face and terror in his eyes.

The good priest crouched down next to him and kindly asked:

“Son. You have been asking for half a lemon for the last few weeks. I’m very happy to give it to you, even in the future, I am only asking in return that you tell me: why do you need it?”

“Alright priest” – said the strange man in a trembling voice – “I will tell you but please be good and don’t tell anyone”

The priest was good and didn’t tell anyone.


Scientists have come up with a foolproof methodology of predicting when someone lies



Scientists have come up with a foolproof methodology of predicting when someone lies

There are 2 different approaches for each sexes.


the eyes deviate slightly to the left indicating the Male is accessing the creative part of the brain

heartrate elevates in an attempt to support the strain of the creative effort

pupils constrict slightly instinctively in preparation for flight/fight response

sweatpores extend slightly to reduce heat and give the appearance of being cool CONCLUSION If all these match then the subject has a high probability of having lied in response to the question


is she breathing?

is her mouth open and words are coming out of them? CONCLUSION she’s lying

Edit: sorry this came from a bad place. Just had an 8 year relationship break

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Guy goes to hell



Guy goes to hell

He meets Satan who tells him “Hey bud! Ya’ know what? I feel generous today, so you get to choose your own damnation!” “Cool”, says the man. Satan takes him to the first chamber. In there the man sees his worst memory being played to him over and over eternally. He shivers. Satan takes him to the next chamber. In there, the man sees a guy being poked with a hot pitchfork over and over eternally. The man cringes. Then, Satan takes him to the third chamber. In there, the man sees some guy getting a blowjob from a very beautiful woman. The man lights up. “Well”, Satan says, “Which room will it be?” “The third room, is that for real? I get that forever, no catches or changes?” Asks the man. “That’s right” says Satan, “You get that for all eternity, no catches or changes.” The man thinks for a second. “I pick room 3.” “3 it is, then.” Satan responds. He then walks up to the woman, taps her on the shoulder, and says “You’re free to go now, I’ve found your replacement.”

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World’s Most Gullible Man



World’s Most Gullible Man

A man is talking to a local at the pub. He goes and introduces himself.

The man then turns to the local and asks, “Have you heard my name before— perhaps in the news?”

The local replies “No Sir, I have not.”

The man explains how he had “Won the title of the World’s Most Gullible Man”.

The local remarks in awe, and asks, “Wow! How does it feel to be the World’s Most Gullible Man?”

The man replies saying, “I don’t remember, I recently lost the title.”

The local excited by such such news asks, “My god, when did this happen?”

The man looks at the local, grinning from ear to ear and replies, “Just now.”

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