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This is the story of Nate the Snake and John.

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This is the story of Nate the Snake and John.

There once was a man named John. John has three kids named Carl, Sally, and Paul. John also has a wife named Suzan. Unfortunately, Suzan, Carl, Sally, and Paul don’t like John very much. John also has no friends. John is a very lonely man. He does have this one thing going for him though, he is SUPER rich. John is absolutely loaded. He has so much money he doesn’t have to work and is set for life. So since John is loaded he decides one day he is going on vacation to the Sahara Desert. He buys a ticket and flies out to the desert where he rents a dune buggy and a bottle of water. So, John goes out on his top of the line dune buggy and starts having the time of his life going up and down the sand dunes. He’s going so fast up and down the dunes but then, it goes wrong. He accidentally veers off course and tips his buggy. He starts rolling down the hill at super high speeds. When John gets to the bottom of the sand dune he gets thrown from his now upside down dune buggy. When he gathers his bearings and tries to stand back up. He realizes he now has a concussion and he can’t see very well. He also has hurt arms and legs. But, he’s not an idiot right? So he gets up besides the pain and he starts walking. He doesn’t make it very far however and he eventually falls to his hands and knees and he starts crawling just trying to get any where but there. He eventually collapses to his stomach and just can’t carry himself anymore. So he starts dragging himself on his stomach. The next time he looks up he sees this big white pillar with a white lever on it. On the lever he sees a big green snake. The snake starts to speak and this is what he says…

Snake: Hi I’m Nate the snake. I’m here to help you John

John: Oh great now I’m hallucinating. What’s new?

S: No your not hallucinating. I’m real and I’m gonna help you. I’ll give you three wishes

J: Yeah yeah sure, what’s the catch?

S: There are two rules. The first rule is you can’t wish for a materialistic item. It can’t be something you can physically hold. The second rule is that if you want the wishes you have to promise to come back here sometime before you die and flip this big lever. The lever will end all of humanity. Do you want the wishes?

J(still thinking it’s a hallucination): Sure why not. My first wish is to not be thirsty anymore.

S: Ok John. I will do you one better. You don’t have to drink water anymore as long as you eat your fruits and vegetables you’ll get all the water you need just from that.

J: Wow that’s great! I don’t feel thirsty any more! My second wish is to not be injured anymore.

S: I’ll do you one better. I’ll heal you up so well that you will love for as twice as long as you would have before.

John stands up and stretches his arms and legs a little bit

J: Wow this is incredible! I feel fantastic! Ok my last wish is to not be lost because I have no idea where I am

S: Ok I’ll do you one better. You will know never be lost ever again no matter where you are

J: Wow this is the most amazing thing I’ve ever see! Thanks Nate the snake.

John turns to leave with newfound hope and energy when Nate the snake stops him. John turns back around and asks Nate the snake what’s wrong.

S: Man I’m so lonely out here I don’t have any friends. Will you be my friend?

John quickly agrees to be his friend since he saved his life. Then they exchange numbers and John leaves on his merry way.

A few years later John gets a call from Nate the snake.

S: John I need a favor. My son Sam the Snake is with me and I can’t be a good father to him while he’s with me. I’m stuck out here and I was wondering if you would use your huge stacks of money to take him on a vacation around the world?

J: Sure I’ll take Sam the snake on an adventure around the world. You are my only friend after all.

S: Thanks man I appreciate that.

So John flies back out the Sahara Desert, picks up Nate the snakes son, Sam the snake, and leaves again. They go all around the world to places like Beijing, Tokyo, Los Vegas and other new and amazing places. John and Nate the snakes son, Sam the snake are having so much fun together when they get an unexpected call. John answers the phone and it’s Nate the snake again!

S: Hey John I need you here. I’ve got this weird snake disease that’s gonna kill me, and I want you here with me when I die.

John quickly tells him he’ll be there and rushes towards the nearest airport with Nate the snakes son Sam the snake. They buy a ticket to the desert and fly out. When they get there John buys the fastest dune buggy he can and starts flying out over the sand dunes again. In his rush however, John accidentally speeds up too much and is about to lose control of his dune buggy for the second time. This time however he knows not to turn the wheel too fast. Then John sees the pillar in the distance. John obviously doesn’t want to hit the lever or he’ll end humanity. So what he decides to do is slowly turn the wheel to avoid the lever. Then, however, John sees something he didn’t see before. Nate the snake has moved himself from the big lever, to a tree growing next to it. John realizes that he has to make a choice. Does he end humanity? Or does he kill his best friend Nate the snake? John has to decide, humanity or his friend? He doesn’t know what to do, and Nate the snakes son, Sam the snake is crying in the seat next to him because he knows what’s happening too. Then John comes to a realization. He made his choice and he says to himself:

Better Nate Than Lever!

Jokes

A German, a Frenchman, an Englishman and a Brazilian appreciate the picture of Adam and Eve in Paradise.

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A German, a Frenchman, an Englishman and a Brazilian appreciate the picture of Adam and Eve in Paradise.

German comments:

“Look at what perfection of bodies: she, slender and haired; he, with his athletic body, his profiled muscles. They must be Germans.”

Frenchman replies:

“I don’t believe it. The eroticism from the figures is evident! She, so feminine, he, so masculine. They show that they know that soon the temptation will come. They must be French.”

Englishman ponder:

“See the serenity of their faces, the delicacy of the pose, the sobriety of the gestures. They can only be English.”

And after a few seconds of silent contemplation, the Brazilian states:

“I do not agree. Look well: they have no clothes, no house, only have one apple to eat, and believe they are in Paradise. They can only be Argentines!”

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I saw a man sitting alone in the park one day…

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I saw a man sitting alone in the park one day…

and I noticed how in his hand he held a one hundred dollar bill.

Interesting, I thought. I wouldn’t wave that much money around in the open. But that’s when I saw him reaching into a bag and pulling out a pair of scissors. As he moved the scissors towards the bill I got worried and yelled out

“Hey, man! What are you doing? You shouldn’t be wasting money like that!”

The man stopped what he was doing and looked at me. And with the saddest eyes he said

“I-I’m sorry. It’s… it’s just that I fell on hard times and… I’ve had to start cutting corners.”

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A meteor exploded as it flew narrowly by Earth..

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A meteor exploded as it flew narrowly by Earth..

Bolides streaked across the sky, peppering cities and deserts with smouldering fragments.

 

After addressing the inevitable loss of life, extensive property damage and the smashing of tens of thousands of mirrors, we gathered up the fragments from the craters where they lay. Scientists concluded that they were made from an ancient, inexplicable material and somehow.. alive.

 

We quickly understood, and prepared ourselves for the dialogs that were to follow. It took ten years before the first of them awoke and spoke to us. 

 

Ents, we called them. Otwoks, Groots, Old Men Willow. Names from the fairy-tales and games of old. Having spent much of their journey through the cold void of space in slumber, they had little to share with us in the ways of interstellar travel. Instead, they promised, they could offer us the fruits from their boughs, and the air-of-life where their leaves met the light of the yellow-sun. All they would need from us was a place where they and their ones-after could grow.

 

We agreed, and these talking-trees quickly found themselves in their new homes. Walled compounds, regularly irrigated, stretching for kilometres through the desert, alongside our solar-farms. Here, they would see the skies, moon and yellow-sun of our planet, the stars from whence they came, and nothing else. From time to time, we would enter and take what we were promised, and a bit more.

 

And so, as we cut them down, tear off their arms, scalp and flay them before throwing their raw, limbless, still-screaming bodies into hastily-refurbished furnaces, we can only wonder. Had they more to share with us, they could have taken part in the right kind of dialog.

 

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