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Top 25+ Best New Funny Jokes In English: Latest Good Humor



Rocket to Moon

On the first night of honeymoon the wife crazy husband says,

“My sweet darling, I am going to take you to moon tonight.”

The impatient wife says,

“Sure, but first at least let’s see the rocket to get there.”

Period of Patience

Dad went to school for getting the report card for his son in the middle of the class and had to wait long.

So he got impatient and asked the lady teacher,

“Madame, When will you give it to me then?”

The smiling teacher says,

“After my period is over for sure sir.”

Test By Puncture

A John meets Bill in a hospital and expresses surprise,

“What are you here for?”

Bill says, “I am here for blood test and these idiots are going to puncture my finger.”

John started crying,

“Oh my God, I am here for urine test and I am too young yet, what will happened to me?”

Gossiping Guards

A Guard boasts to other, “You know, when I was small, that Victoria Tower fell down upon me.”

So the second Guard inquired, “Hey why? Did it kill you then?”

The puzzled first one says, “I don’t remember, I was too young then,”

A Husband Asks His Wife, “Will You Marry After I Die?”

The Wife Responds, “No, I Will Live With My Sister.”

The Wife Asks Him Back, “Will You Marry After I Die?”

The Husband Responds, “No, I Will Also Live With Your Sister.”

Wife : Whenever we keep the money in the bags our son steals it,

I don’t know what to do? . . . . Husband : Keep it in his books. I know he will never touch them…

Mintu Is Driving When A Girl Tries To Overtake Him.

Mintu:- Hey Buffalo!

Girl Shouts Back:- You Donkey!

And She Has An Accident. She Hits A Buffalo Crossing The Road.

Difference between a beautiful night and a horror night.

Beautiful night is,

When you hug your teddy bear and sleep.

Horror night is,

When your teddy bear hugs you BACK.

What is love?

Love is our 7th sense that destroys all 6 sense

And makes the person nonsense.

Once all the engineering professors were sitting in one plane.

Before the takeoff, one announcement came

“This plane is made by your students”

Then all professors stood up, ran and went outside.

But the principal was sitting.

One guy came and asked, “are you not afraid”?

Then the principal replied

“I trust my students very well and I am sure the plane won’t even start”.

Those who are single, Let’s sing this song together:

Single bells

Single bells

Single all the way

Oh what fun it is to watch

those couples fight all day. Yay…

Today I saw two blind people fighting,

then I shouted “I’m supporting the one with the knife”,

they both ran away.

8 p.m. I get an SMS from my girlfriend: Me or football?!

11 p.m. I SMS my girlfriend: You of course.

I was in 10th; she was in 10th. I was in 12th; she was in 12th. I got BSc; she got BSc. I was doing MSc; she got married. I was preparing for JRF; she’s the mother of 1 child. I got Ph.D.; she’s the mother of 2 children. I am doing Ph.D.; her daughter is in 1st standard. I became doctorate; her daughter is in 10th. I have joined job; her daughter has joined college. And the greatest Irony! Today is my engagement. And her daughter is my fiancée.

A guy in a plane stood up & shouted: “HIJACK!”

All passengers got scared,…

From the other end of the plane, a guy shouted back “HI JOHN”.

My Girlfriend broke up with me.

She thinks that I am childish.

So I calmed down, took a deep breath, went to her house, rang the doorbell and ran away.

My Chinese friend got really sick one day and had to go to a hospital.

I went to see him the next day.

He just kept whispering “yang qi guan” over and over and then died.

I was very sad and Googled his last message after the burial.

Apparently, it means “You’re standing on my oxygen tube”.

Today was my first day entering a court.

The judge shouted “Order, Order!!”

I was so excited,

So I shouted back “fried rice with chicken, five bottles of beer and a chilled glass of special ice mineral water.”

I am now locked up in a dark room.

I am sure they will bring my order soon.

I was in a cab today and the cab driver said,

“I love my job, I’m my own boss. Nobody tells me what to do.”

Then I said, “Turn Left”.

I don’t know why it hurts when we bite our tongue mistakenly.

But it didn’t hurt when we bite it intentionally.

And I still don’t understand why you are biting your tongue now.

Two boys were arguing when the teacher entered the room.

The teacher says, “Why are you arguing?”

One boy answers, “We found a ten dollar bill and decided to give it to whoever tells the biggest lie.”

“You should be ashamed of yourselves,”

Said the teacher, “When I was your age I didn’t even know what a lie was.”

The boys gave the ten dollars to the teacher.

I visited my EX girlfriend and she gave me food.

After a few second their dog came in and started to jump over and I said

“this dog loves visitors”

Her child replied, “No! No! Uncle, the problem is that you are using its plate”.

1) I woke up

2) I went to school

3) I saw her

4) I ran to her, and I hugged her

5) I kissed her

Actually, the right order is 3, 4, 5, 1, 2

I remember once when my dad gave me money to pay the electricity bill but instead I bought a lottery ticket for a brand new car.

When I got home explained to my dad what I did and he beat the crap out of me.

But the next day, when my dad woke up and opened the door, outside my house was a brand new car. We all cried especially me,

Because the car was from the electricity company, they were there to cut off the electricity.

My dad beat the crap out of me again.

They say milk gives strength.

I drank 4 cups and couldn’t move a wall.

But when I took 4 bottles of beers,

I saw the wall moving itself.

These scientists should better stop their lies.

My mom told me to

Turn down the volume of music on my computer

Or else

She would smash my head on the keyboard.

But I didn’t believejhyteqfgouy i77uufsrhg.

Read all the sentences in order

This is this cat This is is cat This is how cat This is to cat This is keep cat This is an cat This is idiot cat This is busy cat This is for cat This is thirty cat This is seconds cat

Now go back and read the third word in each sentence.


Little Johnny v/s Sunday School Teacher Joke: Making Bad Faces



Finding one of her student Little Johnny making faces at others on the playground,..

Ms. Smith stopped to gently scold the child.

Smiling sweetly, the Sunday school teacher said,

“Johnny, when I was a child,

I was told if that I made ugly faces,

it would freeze and I would stay like that.”

Johnny looked up and replied,

* * * * * * * * * *

“Well, Ms. Smith, you can’t say you weren’t warned.”

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Funny Husband Wife Short Dirty Joke: Bad Horse Riding



A minister gave a talk to the community center on sex.

When he got home, he couldn’t tell his wife that he had spoken on sex,

So he said he had discussed “Horseback Riding” with the members.

A few days later, she ran into some men at the shopping center,…

and they complimented her on the speech her husband had made.

She said:,

* * * * * * * * *

“Yes, I heard. I was surprised about the subject matter,… as he’s only tried it twice.

The first time he got so sore he could hardly walk, and the second time he fell off.”

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Best Little Johnny Dirty Joke Of The Day: Valentine’s Day Card



Valentine’s Day was quickly approaching and Little Johnny was anxious to receive and give Valentine cards during his classroom party,..

Mainly because there were two girls he was particularly very fond of.

The rest of his class received the usual “store bought” cheap Valentines that read cutesy “Be Mines”,..

But he took special care and time in hand-making two special cards for these two sweethearts in his life.

The first read:

Roses are Red, Pickles are Green,

I love your legs and what’s in between.

I like your style, I like your class,

But most of all I love your ass.

And to the other girl he wrote:

* * *

Roses are Stupid, Violets are Silly!

Bend over Babe ’cause here comes my Willy!

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