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Top 25+ Best New Funny Jokes In English: Latest Good Humor

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Rocket to Moon

On the first night of honeymoon the wife crazy husband says,

“My sweet darling, I am going to take you to moon tonight.”

The impatient wife says,

“Sure, but first at least let’s see the rocket to get there.”

Period of Patience

Dad went to school for getting the report card for his son in the middle of the class and had to wait long.

So he got impatient and asked the lady teacher,

“Madame, When will you give it to me then?”

The smiling teacher says,

“After my period is over for sure sir.”

Test By Puncture

A John meets Bill in a hospital and expresses surprise,

“What are you here for?”

Bill says, “I am here for blood test and these idiots are going to puncture my finger.”

John started crying,

“Oh my God, I am here for urine test and I am too young yet, what will happened to me?”

Gossiping Guards

A Guard boasts to other, “You know, when I was small, that Victoria Tower fell down upon me.”

So the second Guard inquired, “Hey why? Did it kill you then?”

The puzzled first one says, “I don’t remember, I was too young then,”

A Husband Asks His Wife, “Will You Marry After I Die?”

The Wife Responds, “No, I Will Live With My Sister.”

The Wife Asks Him Back, “Will You Marry After I Die?”

The Husband Responds, “No, I Will Also Live With Your Sister.”

Wife : Whenever we keep the money in the bags our son steals it,

I don’t know what to do? . . . . Husband : Keep it in his books. I know he will never touch them…

Mintu Is Driving When A Girl Tries To Overtake Him.

Mintu:- Hey Buffalo!

Girl Shouts Back:- You Donkey!

And She Has An Accident. She Hits A Buffalo Crossing The Road.

Difference between a beautiful night and a horror night.

Beautiful night is,

When you hug your teddy bear and sleep.

Horror night is,

When your teddy bear hugs you BACK.

What is love?

Love is our 7th sense that destroys all 6 sense

And makes the person nonsense.

Once all the engineering professors were sitting in one plane.

Before the takeoff, one announcement came

“This plane is made by your students”

Then all professors stood up, ran and went outside.

But the principal was sitting.

One guy came and asked, “are you not afraid”?

Then the principal replied

“I trust my students very well and I am sure the plane won’t even start”.

Those who are single, Let’s sing this song together:

Single bells

Single bells

Single all the way

Oh what fun it is to watch

those couples fight all day. Yay…

Today I saw two blind people fighting,

then I shouted “I’m supporting the one with the knife”,

they both ran away.

8 p.m. I get an SMS from my girlfriend: Me or football?!

11 p.m. I SMS my girlfriend: You of course.

I was in 10th; she was in 10th. I was in 12th; she was in 12th. I got BSc; she got BSc. I was doing MSc; she got married. I was preparing for JRF; she’s the mother of 1 child. I got Ph.D.; she’s the mother of 2 children. I am doing Ph.D.; her daughter is in 1st standard. I became doctorate; her daughter is in 10th. I have joined job; her daughter has joined college. And the greatest Irony! Today is my engagement. And her daughter is my fiancée.

A guy in a plane stood up & shouted: “HIJACK!”

All passengers got scared,…

From the other end of the plane, a guy shouted back “HI JOHN”.

My Girlfriend broke up with me.

She thinks that I am childish.

So I calmed down, took a deep breath, went to her house, rang the doorbell and ran away.

My Chinese friend got really sick one day and had to go to a hospital.

I went to see him the next day.

He just kept whispering “yang qi guan” over and over and then died.

I was very sad and Googled his last message after the burial.

Apparently, it means “You’re standing on my oxygen tube”.

Today was my first day entering a court.

The judge shouted “Order, Order!!”

I was so excited,

So I shouted back “fried rice with chicken, five bottles of beer and a chilled glass of special ice mineral water.”

I am now locked up in a dark room.

I am sure they will bring my order soon.

I was in a cab today and the cab driver said,

“I love my job, I’m my own boss. Nobody tells me what to do.”

Then I said, “Turn Left”.

I don’t know why it hurts when we bite our tongue mistakenly.

But it didn’t hurt when we bite it intentionally.

And I still don’t understand why you are biting your tongue now.

Two boys were arguing when the teacher entered the room.

The teacher says, “Why are you arguing?”

One boy answers, “We found a ten dollar bill and decided to give it to whoever tells the biggest lie.”

“You should be ashamed of yourselves,”

Said the teacher, “When I was your age I didn’t even know what a lie was.”

The boys gave the ten dollars to the teacher.

I visited my EX girlfriend and she gave me food.

After a few second their dog came in and started to jump over and I said

“this dog loves visitors”

Her child replied, “No! No! Uncle, the problem is that you are using its plate”.

1) I woke up

2) I went to school

3) I saw her

4) I ran to her, and I hugged her

5) I kissed her

Actually, the right order is 3, 4, 5, 1, 2

I remember once when my dad gave me money to pay the electricity bill but instead I bought a lottery ticket for a brand new car.

When I got home explained to my dad what I did and he beat the crap out of me.

But the next day, when my dad woke up and opened the door, outside my house was a brand new car. We all cried especially me,

Because the car was from the electricity company, they were there to cut off the electricity.

My dad beat the crap out of me again.

They say milk gives strength.

I drank 4 cups and couldn’t move a wall.

But when I took 4 bottles of beers,

I saw the wall moving itself.

These scientists should better stop their lies.

My mom told me to

Turn down the volume of music on my computer

Or else

She would smash my head on the keyboard.

But I didn’t believejhyteqfgouy i77uufsrhg.

Read all the sentences in order

This is this cat This is is cat This is how cat This is to cat This is keep cat This is an cat This is idiot cat This is busy cat This is for cat This is thirty cat This is seconds cat

Now go back and read the third word in each sentence.

Jokes

Naughty Office Joke Of The Day: Dad, Secretary & Little Daughter

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Joke Title: Doll

A man comes home with his little daughter,

whom he has just taken to work.

The little girl asks,

“I saw you in your office with your secretary.

Why do you call her a doll?”

Feeling his wife’s gaze upon him, the man explains,

“Well, honey, my secretary is a very hard-working girl.

She types like you wouldn’t believe,

she knows the computer system and is very efficient.”

“Oh,” says the little girl,

* * * * * * *

“I thought it was because she closed her eyes when you lay her down on the couch.”

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Simple Clean Joke Of The Day: Two Lawyer Friends Playing Golf

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Joke Title: Oh, Those Darn Lawyers

Two lawyers, Jon and Ethan, head out for their usual 9 holes of golf.

Jon offers Ethan a $50 bet.

Ethan agrees and they’re off.

They shoot a great game.

After the 8th hole, Ethan is ahead by one stroke, but cuts his ball into the rough on the 9th.

“Help me find my ball. Look over there,” he says to Jon.

After a few minutes, neither has any luck.

Since a lost ball carries a four point penalty, Ethan secretly pulls a ball from his pocket and tosses it to the ground.

“I’ve found my ball!” he announces.

“After all of the years we’ve been partners and playing together,”

Jon says, “you’d cheat me out of a lousy 50 bucks?”

“What do you mean, cheat? I found my ball sitting right there!”

“And you’re a liar, too!” Jon says.

* * * * * * *

“I’ll have you know I’ve been STANDING on your ball for the last five minutes!”

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20+ Clean & Short Good Humor Jokes: Best English Comedy

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Wonderful coffee

Customer to waiter: Everyday you charge me money for a cup of coffee.

It will be wonderful if you serve me coffee free of cost today.

Waiter: Sir, everyday you drink coffee from a filled cup.

It will be wonderful if you drink it from an empty cup today.

Doctor’s promise

“Doctor, are you sure I’m suffering from pneumonia?

I’ve heard once about a doctor treating someone with pneumonia and finally he died of typhus.”

“Don’t worry, it won’t happen to you.

If I treat someone with pneumonia he will die of pneumonia only.”

Dentist’s thinking

Patient: “It must be tough spending all day with your hands in someone’s mouth.”

Dentist: “I just think of it as having my hands in their wallet.”

In safe hands

Patient: Doctor I heard 10 percent of the total patients undergoing this surgery die.

Doctor: Don’t worry man, those 10 percent patients operated by me are already dead.

Now it’s the turn of the 90 percent survivors.

Tit for tat

My old aunts would come and tease me at weddings,

“Well Sarah? Do you think you’ll be next?”

We’ve settled this quickly once I’ve started doing the same to them at funerals.

In a hurry

A man asks a farmer near a field,

“Sorry sir, would you mind if I crossed your field instead of going around it?

You see, I have to catch the 4:23 train.”

The farmer says,

“Sure, go right ahead. And if my bull sees you, you’ll even catch the 4:11 one.”

Surprise visit

A woman comes home late in the night and goes quietly in the bedroom.

To her surprise, she sees male and female feet peeking out from under the blanket.

Shocked and raging, she gets her baseball bat and beats and beats until all movement stops.

After that she goes into the living room and sees her husband laying on the sofa.

He turns to her half asleep:

“Oh, you’re home, darling. I’m afraid we have to sleep here tonight, My parents came for a surprise visit.”

Dream

I dreamed I was forced to eat a giant marshmallow.

When I woke up, my pillow was gone.

Kind old woman

An old grandma brings a bus driver a bag of peanuts every day.

First the bus driver enjoyed the peanuts but after a week of eating them he asks:

“Please granny, don’t bring me peanuts anymore. Have them yourself.”.

The granny answers: “You know, I don’t have teeth anymore. I just prefer to suck the chocolate around them.”

Dangerous

What is dangerous?

– –

Sneezing while having diarrhea!

Igloo

An eskimo brings his friend to his home for a visit.

When they arrive, his friend asks, puzzled –

“So where’s your igloo?” –

The friend replies

“Oh no, I must’ve left the iron on…”

Job interview

At an interview:

“In the beginning, you’ll be earning 20000, later on it can go up to 40000.”

“OK, I’ll come again later then.”

Difference

What’s the difference between, BOOM! Aaaaargh! And Aaaaaargh! BOOM!?

– –

The difference is whether you’re falling from the 1st or the 10th floor.

Responsible

I have a very good feeling about my job interview today.

The manager said they were looking for somebody responsible. –

“You’ve found your man,” I responded,

“Whenever there was a problem in my last job, they always said that I was responsible!”

Adoption

Father: “Son, you were adopted.”

Son: “What?! I knew it! I want to meet my biological parents!”

Father: “We are your biological parents. Now pack up, the new ones will pick you up in 20 minutes.”

Seminar

The police stop an old guy in questionable condition at 1 am.

“What are you doing out so late, sir?” asks the police officer.

“I’m going to a seminar on ‘The harmful effects of alcohol’,” replies the man.

“Are you pulling my leg or something?!” says the police officer,

“Who would hold a seminar like that at this hour?!”

The man sighs, “My wife.”

Super powers

Peter comes very drunk home late at night.

He wakes his sleeping wife: “Emily wake up! You know what just happened!?”

“No”, she replies sleepily.

“I went to the toilet and the light switched on all by itself. And when I went out of there, the light switched off again without me having to do anything. I think I’m getting super powers!”

Emily replies groans: “Oh no, Peter! You pig, you just peed into the fridge again!!!”

Desire

A man well into his seventies asks his wife:

“Mary, doesn’t it make you sad when you see me running after those young girls sometimes?”

“Not in the least, Peter,” replies Mary,

“our dog chases cars all the time and there’s also no chance he could manage to drive one!”

The Perfect Son.

A: I have the perfect son. B: Does he smoke? A: No, he doesn’t.

B: Does he drink whiskey? A: No, he doesn’t.

B: Does he ever come home late? A: No, he doesn’t.

B: I guess you really do have the perfect son. How old is he? A: He will be six months old next Wednesday.

Idiot

Son: Dad, what is an idiot?

Dad: An idiot is a person who tries to explain his ideas in such a strange and long way that another person who is listening to him can’t understand him. Do you understand me?

Son: No.

Picnic

Once there were three turtles. One day they decided to go on a picnic.

When they got there, they realized they had forgotten the soda.

The youngest turtle said he would go home and get it if they wouldn’t eat the sandwiches until he got back.

A week went by, then a month, finally a year, when the two turtles said,

“oh, come on, let’s eat the sandwiches.”

Suddenly the little turtle popped up from behind a rock and said, “If you do, I won’t go!”

Good news

A man receives a phone call from his doctor.

The doctor says, “I have some good news and some bad news.”

The man says, “OK, give me the good news first.”

The doctor says, “The good news is, you have 24 hours to live.”

The man replies, “Oh no! If that’s the good news, then what’s the bad news?”

The doctor says, “The bad news is, I forgot to call you yesterday.”

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