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Two old men who love Football make a pact



Two 90 year old men, Mike and Joe, have been friends all of their lives.

When it’s clear that Joe is dying, Mike visits him every day.

One day Mike says, “Joe, we both loved football all our lives, and we played football on Saturdays together for so many years. Please do me one favour, when you get to Heaven, somehow you must let me know if there’s football there.”

Joe looks up at Mike from his death bed, “Mike, you’ve been my best friend for many years. If it’s at all possible, I’ll do this favour for you.

Shortly after that, Joe passes away.

A couple of nights later, at midnight, Mike is awakened from a sound sleep by a blinding flash of white light and a voice calling out to him, “Mike–Mike.”

“Who is it ?” asks Mike sitting up suddenly. “Who is it?”

“Mike–it’s me, Joe.”

“You’re not Joe. Joe just died.”

“I’m telling you, it’s me, Joe,” insists the voice.”

“Joe! Where are you?”

“In heaven”, replies Joe. “I have some really good news and a little bad news.”

“Tell me the good news first,” says Mike.

“The good news,” Joe says,” is that there’s football in heaven. Better yet, all of our old friends who died before us are here, too. Better than that, we’re all young again. Better still, it’s always spring time and it never rains or snows. And best of all, we can play football all we want, and we never get tired.”

That’s fantastic,” says Mike. “It’s beyond my wildest dreams !” “So, what’s the bad news ?”

“You’re in the team for this Saturday’s match !!!”


A man dies and goes up to heaven



A man dies and goes up to heaven

He arrives at the pearly gates and there’s god standing there on the other side of the gates to greet him. The man walks up to the gates but as he gets closer he can’t help but see that the people inside are driving all different kind of cars, a bit curious the man asks god

“Why is everyone driving a different car what’s the deal?”

God turns to him and says “Well depending on how faithful someone is during their marriage is how we decide what kind of car they get”

The man looks at god excitedly and asks “Okay so what kind of car will I be getting?”

God looks at him and says “Well from what I can see it looked like you were very faithful to your wife, so I think I’ll give you a BMW”

The man excitedly walks through the gate and jumps into his brand new BMW and drives away.

A few weeks pass and god is driving around just checking to see how everyone is going and he happens to come across the same man, but he’s sitting in the gutter crying his eyes out, so god hops out of his car and walks over to him and asks him what wrong.

The man replied “I saw my wife the other day”

To which god replies “That’s great to hear! Why are you crying though?”

The man replies “She was riding a skateboard”

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A rather virtuous young couple marry.



A rather virtuous young couple marry.

The soon-to-be lovers fly immediately after the ceremony to Toronto for their Honeymoon. After a wet (or at least slightly damp) week on the Canadian side of the Falls, the couple returns and settles into their new life.

The following Saturday, the young bride meets her friends for lunch. The self- appointed mature one of the lot, a lady married a full two years prior, presses the newly deflowered woman for details.

“Well,” she finally admits, “It was nice enough, once I got over my embarrassment.”

“Embarrassed to see your whole man for the first time?” The older girl teases.

The bride swiftly shakes her head. “No, it’s just that we were stopped by security at the border, and they unpacked my whole bag in front of everyone.”

The other girls agree that this would be embarrassing.

“Well, then the condoms from my bag fell onto the ground,” she whispered.

The older girl spoke for them all, “Bless your heart! That would be awful.”

“That’s not the worst of it,” the girl continued. “After that, my husband got upset, and the security decided he was that he was being aggressive, took him into custody, and strip searched him!”

The other ladies looked stricken. Finally, one hugged the bride amongst murmers of “You poor thing!” “That would be mortifying!” and one or two more “Bless your heart!”s.

The girl nodded her thanks for the support, then continued “and thats when we got to the embarrassing bit. The border guys were polite through the whole thing, and kept apologizing during the strip search. But Aaron kept shouting “I’ll sue for that slander! Don’t you listen to them, Honey!”

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Vladimir Putin dies and goes to Hell



Vladimir Putin dies and goes to Hell

Before spending eternity burning in Hell, Satan grants Putin one wish.

Putin thinks long and hard, and says: “Let me see the state of my country in 100 years.”

Miraculously, Putin awakes to find himself standing in a street, right across from a bar.

Putin figures this might be a good time for a drink and he could also find out about the state of his country, so he crossed the street into the bar.

In the bar, Putin sits down, orders a drink, and begins his conversation with the bartender: “Sir, could you please tell me what century this is?”

The bartender, recognizing Putin, exclaims: “My god! Mr. Putin, what are you doing here? You died over a hundred years ago!”

Putin chuckles, and says: “Let’s just say I’ve made a deal with the devil. So, how have things been? How’s the country?”

The bartender replies: “Great! We’re an empire now! We’ve conquered the entire world!”

Putin, doubting this, says: “What do you mean the whole world, what about the Middle East? Nobody conquers the Middle East!”

The bartender replies: “Yep. We’ve got them.”

“No way,” says Putin, “what about China, Japan, all those?”

“All ours.” replies the bartender.

“Europe, the UK?”

“Those too.” answers the bartender


“Of course. They weren’t a problem.” he remarks.

“What about those American bastards?”

“We got them too, North and South.” boasts the bartender.

“Amazing. You have all done well!” says Putin, joyfully.

The conversation continues for a while after, with the bartender explaining to Putin how they have established world peace and how everything is great. Putin, deciding his mind had been put to rest and that he was ready for his eternal fate, asks the bartender for the bill.

“Alright man, how much will it be?” asks Putin.

“Fifteen shekels.” replies the bartender.

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